Tainted

The wedding

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I was born as me
And I became she
I changed
My whole body changed
I became tainted
Dark
I was shattered
And the only thing left
Was just a broken piece.

Salamualaikum.

"keh wallahi an daura( keh wallahi the knot have been tied)"

I heard sakeena beamed, coming in to my room with some clothes hung over her shoulder. I released the breath I dint even know I was holding or for how long I held it. I can't believe they got me married. I wished and prayed for this marriage not to hold, I prayed for anything to change their mind. Not like I did any sort of fighting to show I don't want the marriage though, but I silently prayed. I can't be married, not now not to him. Oh ni, so now I have to be Nasirs wife, the thought alone is overwhelming as I suddenly broke down in to loads of tears.

Sakeenah looked down at me " subuhanallah, Yaya ( elder sister) what's wrong, why are you crying?" she asked and she knelt down beside me. She patted my back jently trying to look at my face. I won't let her see my face, I haven't even showered and it is my wedding day. I don't even want to let her see me cry, no! I won't let any one see me cry. So I tried controlling my sobs.
" laaalaaah yaya or do you want me to call ya Nasir? May be you are crying because.... "
Hearing his name made my heart beat accelerate and my head began to spin instantly. This time I lost it. I wailed on top of my voice asking for help, I held sakeena's hand tight and cried on to her laps. I don't have the strength to care anymore. I can't hide it anymore. I don't care if they see me weak, I just lost it.

It seems sakeena's sense of motion was frozen because her hands stilled and she was mute. She had long stopped patting my back.
I didn't notice when she picked up her phone.

" Mama, please come to Yaya Hanan's room. I think she is sick. Come quick"

I wanted to tell her that I was not sick, I was perfectly fine. I wanted to tell her that I don't want to see Mama, or anyone else. I just wanted to be alone. The deed had already be done. But the words got stocked in my mouth.

Mama came in a little while later.

"Innalillahi Wainnailaihi rajiun "

I heard her shrieked. She was obviously surprised and not worried.
" what is wrong with you Nene?" she asked sounding irritated. Yes, I was ruining her day with my insolent childishness. I was the first child, so Mama calls me Nene instead of Hanan. Zara Kawu Mustapha's (Mama's only sibling) daughter named me that when we were younger. Zara is about my age with me being six months younger. she couldn't call Hanan then so she just called me Nene.

Mama temper was hyked up. She was shooting me dagers from her eyes.
"wallahi Nene, if you don't stop this madness and tell me what is wrong now, I will lay my hands on you, something I have never done before. I am telling you girl if you let me do am thinking of doing right now, you won't like it at all. Ha'ah, to say it's your wedding feesabillilah. Haba, see how you're looking so unkept. Even though we are not rich, ai our poverty haven't reached where we can't afford kohl.
When the crowd outside are chanting on how lucky you are, you are here sulking. You haven't even taken your bath today.
Nene you agreed to this marriage, it wasn't a forced marriage even though you dint choose it. So now why all this drama huh? If there's something you want done, tell us. Crying until your eyeballs falls out would not solve a thing."