Solicit.

Chapter 1

     The waves washed over my feet as I brought the cigarette to my mouth. The end burned orange as I inhaled. The wind carried the smoke away from me and the tide pulled back from the sand. I looked out as the sun started to set and saw the array of colors that scattered the sky. Violent swells growing and hitting the rocks deep into the water. I tucked my hair behind my ear so it wouldn't get in my face as I took another drag. Why do people start bad habits? Why do people do things that could kill them?

I ask myself that question every day

     You guys don't want to hear about my relaxing beach day though. No. That's not what you're here for. You don't want to hear about me smoking a Camel while enjoying my California view. I would want to know about the girl who was prostituting herself on her sixteenth birthday too. Her brother's 5th birthday as well. Maybe how she got to such a low point, which might I add, was not my lowest point I now realize. It's funny how I look back on it as if it wasn't me. Isn't that what I told myself though; That it wasn't me? That it was an alter ego that I had to use just to get by? Sad. Truly. I didn't want it to end like this but I guess once the flame starts, you can't always smother the fire. The waves wash over my feet again. 

     I flick the cigarette into the sand and watch as the light dies from it. I brush the hair out of my face one more time, a comforting touch to soothe myself. It's my 18th birthday in case you were wondering. It wasn't my best, in fact, my best was my 12th birthday. I had all of my friends over and we swam all day in our pool. It was one of those nice inground ones with a diving board and pretty ceramic tiles outlining the edge. I got to wear my brand new bathing suit that had just a touch of padding for my none existing boobs, just enough for me to feel older. I remember we had pepperoni pizza that night and watched movies about teen romance and heartbreak. All of us girls just pretending we were the main character and falling in love already. It's so silly how much you want to grow up when you're young. My mom bought me my first makeup kit and mascara for my gift. I felt the soft brushes and swatched the lip colors on my wrist before embracing her with a hug. She tucked my hair behind my ear and kissed my temple and said 'I was almost a teen, her baby isn't a baby anymore'. I felt like I was finally growing up, finding my place. It wasn't extravagant to any means but I was content. What I would do to be content again.

     Let's face the facts though, I'm stalling. I'm stalling from my past, present, and future. My brain is convincing me to fondle those memories just for a few more moments. The waves wash over my feet again. Fully clothed, legs covered by ripped jeans and a long sleeve top, I walk into the open ocean. It's cold, as the sun sets more and more. I take a trembled breath as tears well up in my eyes. My hands hold each other for comfort. I wade deeper in until the water has reached my breasts, and the sun has almost fully set for the night. The ide should be getting bigger now. Funny enough, the first time I ever went night swimming with friends, I almost drowned. 

     We were 14 and thought we were so cool with hanging out with Seniors. Dayton Cole and Mark Gallipher. My friend Jess and I met them at the Santa Monica Pier once it got dark and my parents fell asleep. We crawled out of my bedroom window and rode bikes all the way there. I remember how nervous I was. Would Dayton think I looked cute, would I get my first kiss? Once we got there they had already started smoking a blunt while sitting in the sand. My anxiety heightened, I had never done drugs before. I sat next to Dayton on the left while Jess sat next to Mark. Dayton was a football player and very good with his words, typical yakno? He had a nice black jeep that I would fantasize getting to ride in. Could you imagine the faces on everyone at Greenview if they saw me show up in Dayton Cole's jeep? He pulled me onto his lap and I could smell alcohol on his breath. 'Do you want to take a hit' He said with a smirky smile. I bit my lips out of nervousness and shook my head. He exhaled and put his arm around my stomach to pull me in closer. 'Don't act like a little baby, otherwise, we won't want to hang out with little bitches again.' He laughed when he said it but his tone was sharp.

     He put the wrapped blunt up to my mouth and I inhaled, making eye contact with Jess as I did. I coughed while the two boys laughed at me and pressured Jess to smoke as well. We ended up making our way to the ocean, where all you could see was moonlight gleaming off the top of the rolling waves. I can't remember all of the details of that night, because trust me, there have been a lot of moments since then. I swam out too far and almost got caught in a huge tide. I never saw Dayton after that, he would be a story within itself and not just a quick blurb of a memory that I'm passing onto you guys. Don't worry I won't leave that one out. It's funny, how everything comes full circle. I almost die from drowning on accident, but here I am walking deeper and deeper into the same heavy waters. They weigh me down from the outside- in. My thoughts weigh me down from the inside-out. I'm one big weight being pulled deeper into the waters. Suds brush against my chin as I wade out farther and farther. I can taste the salt on my lips. I can see nothing. The water is pitch black now, with that same moon from when I was 14 providing that same gleaming light. I can't see what's in the water with me. I'm not scared.

     Let me tell you guys what all led up to this moment- my inevitable suicide.