The Tale of the Talented Johns

The Gospel of John

  Something odd was in the air. Perhaps it was a feeling, a sense of sorts. Or perhaps it was the fully naked man floating before them.

"What the fu-"

"Watch your fucking language there is an angel right in front of you, you bastard."

-Ten minutes earlier-

The Talented Johns were preparing for the dance off as they usually would. Everything seemed normal, but something felt off that day. They had an unspoken agreement to ignore it in hopes that it would go away. They practiced gracefully, their bodies twisting and twirling like a lightly salted pretzel.

A phone going off stopped them mid pirouette. Another went off. Then another. Out of no where their phones were blowing up like crazy. Stamos looked over at Mulaney.

"Take five. Let's find out what the fuck is going on."

They all went over and checked their phones. Post after post about The Cullens littered the screen in front of Cena.

"Omg did you hear about the new member??"

"The Cullens could be getting a new member. Wonder who it is."

"I can't wait to find out who the new Cullens member is!!!"

The two Johns shared a look. Meanwhile John Mulaney was confused as he had turned off his notifications and the only posts he could see were about an egg on Instagram.

"What do we do?"

Stamos scowled. "Nothing yet. Not until we know the truth. I'm going to call up an old friend, see if he can help. Until then find out what you can."

Cena nodded in confirmation and grabbed Mulaney before turning to go sit down and explain. Stamos walked out of the room and into the hallway before pulling out his phone and clicking on a contact. The person on the other end picked up almost immediately.

"Hello?"

"Hey John, It's me I need your help."

"I'll be right there. I have a feeling I know what the issue is. Give me a few minutes."

"Thanks. I'll tell the others about you. Its about time anyways. See you soon hon."

"Bahbye sweetie."

Stamos walked back into the room and called the two over. He sighed before looking at them. "I've called up an old... friend... of mine, but he's not exactly normal. Or human. He can help us with our problem. Hopefully. He should be here soon. I figured I should finally introduce you guys to each other. Anyways, did you find anything out?"

Cena opened his mouth to answer, but was immediately interrupted by Mulaney.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S NOT HUMAN. YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT LIKE IT'S NOTHING."

Stamos sighed. "He's an angel. His name is John. You know in the Bible, The Gospel of John? That was him. We met at a bar a few years back. He can tell us anything we need to know. Any more questions Mulaney?"

"No I think I'm good, but also you're fucking insane."

Cena interrupted their small argument. "Does it feel strange in here to any one else, or is it just me?"

They turned to see fully naked man floating in the air before them. Doing a handstand. In the air. A handstand. IN THE AIR.

"What the fu-"

"Watch your fucking language there is an angel right in front of you, you bastard."

The man, in all his naked glory, turned himself upright and smiled. 

"Oh well that's quite alright I may be an angel, but I'm also a thottie. Don't hold back"

He gave them a cheerful grin before lowering himself fully to the ground.

"Now, let's get down to business."