Black and royal blue

XV. Broken pieces

Masamune's visit gravely upset me. I knew he was just trying to help but I couldn't contain myself. I shouldn't have talked to him like that. I shouldn't have hit him. But I panicked. Why did Kio tell him? Why him? What is happening to me? I'm a monster. His touch haunted me for a long time.

...

The next day, Ieyasu and Hideyoshi visited me. I had no choice but let them in.

'Is it okay if I take a look at your injuries?' Ieyasu was an experienced healer. I had wounds on my face and my neck. Luckily, my kimono kept the scratches hidden. I could only hope Masamune kept his mouth shut. I was slightly shaking but I nodded... He must have understood how scared I felt about being touched, because he examined me without laying a finger on me. 'Can you tilt back your head, please?' I did as he said.

'I see no signs of infection and the wounds began to heal. I brought you a salve to prevent scarring.' He put a small jar on my desk. 'The blackeye and the bruises might take a week or so to go away.'

'Thank you!'

'Ana, we are here to ask you about what happened. Only If you feel ready for it, of course. Lord Nobunaga wants that bastard to pay for his crime.' Hideyoshi acted cool but his eyes were furious. 'I don't want you to tell us what happened, I understand that would be too unsettling for you. But if you could tell us where or when it happened or what he looked like, we could start the investigation.'

'They. There were two of them...' My voice trailed off. I kept my eyes on my hands but I heard them gasp. I have to do this. I can do this. It was hard to get the words out. 'On my way back to the castle I had to cross the dodgy part of the town. Someone whistled after me and I got scared and hurried away. Then I was pulled into an alleyway. It was already dark so I don't know where it was.' My voice was weak and hoarse. I halted. I had to swallow. 'I-I couldn't see their faces in the darkness. They stank of alcohol. And one of them had a knife. I'm afraid that's all I can remember.'

'And how did you end up in the shrine?' Ieyasu looked puzzled.

'What shrine?' I was genuinely startled.

'Masamune found you in the shrine in the forest. You don't remember that?' Hideyoshi raised his eyebrows.

'Masamune? What? I don't understand. I don't remember any of that. The last thing I can recall is that I was running as fast as I could. And then I woke up in my bed.' I panicked. How is that even possible? Maybe when I hit my head on the wall I got a concussion?

'He said he found you in the shrine and you were not yourself. He said you looked like you were possessed.'

'Shock. She was in shock. Memory loss is a possible symptom. Survival was her priority above anything else. Or maybe it is the defense mechanism of the mind.' Ieyasu silently searched my face. He looked gloomier than usual.

'I am sorry that I can't tell you more or anything useful at least.'

'No, you did quite enough, Ana. I understand that it is hard for you talk about it.' Hideyoshi placed his hand on mine with a worried smile. 'Take rest now. We are done.'

Ieyasu turned back at the door and said: 'You know, it is not helping your recovery if you starve yourself.' I glanced at the food I didn't even touch. I had no appetite ever since.

I was left alone with my thoughts.

How did I end up in that shrine? How did he find me there? Why can't I remember anything? My ears were buzzing and my thoughts got blurred.

...

In the next weeks, my daily routine turned over completely. I slept during the day and was awake at night. I lived like a ghost. Darkness became my new best friend. It suited my heart. I never left my room. I did it on purpose, I wanted to avoid visitors. I wanted to disappear from those curious eyes. I knew they were trying to be nice but I was fed up with all those worried and pitiful looks and constantly being asked how I felt. I really am a monster for being angry at people because they care about me.

When he discovered I was barely eating anything, Nobunaga ordered the warlords that someone had to have dinner with me every evening to make sure I ate. Even the devil king himself dined with me. But I was never hungry, food had no taste and even thinking about eating made me feel sick. It took me a while to figure it out but I worked out a plan. I sat in silence during the whole dinner and ate as slowly and as little as I could until they lost their patience. Then I promised to finish it later but I hid and threw out the food so everyone thought I ate it. This tactic worked out well.

It was Mitsuhide's turn to have another disappointing dinner with me. At least, he never tried to make an awkward conversation. Even sitting in silence for a long time wasn't that awkward with him. He finished his own meal a while ago and waited for me patiently. I couldn't possibly eat any slower. Even I lost my patience.

'Tea?' I asked. He shrugged.

The teapot was on a chest of drawers. As I reached out to grab it, I accidentally knocked over a ceramic plate displayed right next to it. It shattered and I automatically tried to catch the pieces. One of them cut my palm badly. Blood quickly appeared in the wound and I watched it flow and change paths in the small wrinkles of my palm until the drops landed on the tatami mat with soft thuds. What a strange viscosity, I couldn't compare it to anything. It was neither thick nor watery. I remembered the taste of blood...that sickening irony taste... and the stench. I felt sick. It was quite a deep cut but it didn't hurt as much as I expected. My gaze wandered to the blue veins on my wrist. I wonder if it would hurt as little as on my palm? I wouldn't even have to go that deep... How long would it take? What should I use? Where should I do it? How could I sneak out without getting caught?

'Ana!' I looked up and Mitsuhide stood before me. He grabbed my hand and wrapped it with a handkerchief. 'Wait here, I'll bring some bandages!'

'Okay.' I just stood there watching the white handkerchief turning into scarlet as the blood soaked it through. I still didn't hurt that much. I looked down to the puddle of blood. I made a mess.

He was back in a few minutes and tended the wound and cleaned up my blood from the mat. When he finished, he turned to me.

'Ana, what was this?' He looked genuinely worried. I've never seen him look like this.

'What was what?' I blinked like I didn't know what he means, but I was well aware that he could read me like a book.

He narrowed his eyes as he searched my features. 'Don't even think about it, okay?'

'So, I was just about to make tea.' I had to change the subject. I grabbed the teapot with my bandaged hand. Now it hurt. Mitsuhide took it away from me and put it back where it was.

'Mitsunari will see you tomorrow for dinner. Good night, Ana!' And he left.

I found myself standing in front of the mirror. Although, the wounds and bruises from the attack were gone now, I could see them all. And nothing else. I didn't recognise the face looking back at me. I was staring at the bandage on my hand for a long time.

'I could do this.'