Suffocated Throughout

Crucial Thoughts and Lies

Just another ordinary day. I'm tired at this point now. I mean, every single day, I'm tired. All the other kids at school don't even understand what I've been through. I don't even know if they understand. All the drama at school where I don't give a fuck. They go their way, I go my way. I feel like I'm misinterpreted.

Just because I'm quiet the first two weeks of school, I'm quiet throughout the whole year. I want to be recognized. I want to have a group of friends. I feel like I'm holding back my friends. Am I a bitch? Do people think I'm as innocent as they think? Do I really look that miserable? Am I depressed as this point?

No. I'm not depressed. I may look like it. But I'm not. I may seem anti-social. But I'm not. I'm not as innocent as you think. I'm not as happy as happy as you think. I'm not depressed but I'm on the verge of being depressed. All these thoughts I can't express. I can never be serious towards my friends. I always have to put a happy and lively front towards them. But in reality, I'm suffering...

I feel like I have a mask covering for me. Saying lies. I say I'm happy and that I like this and I don't like that. But it's the opposite. Am I the only one like this? If I'm lying. Are my friends also lying to me?

How about I run away?
But my friends and family will be driven by this...
Should I just tell them my thoughts?
Never mind. The conversation would just be taken as a joke as it always turns into.

When I feel so special in the world, something always happens right after that makes me feel worthless. Are these thoughts and white lies too selfish? All about me in pain.

I'll just live through life. Towards college. To make money for my family. Where I can be an entrepreneur, dancer, and singer. Where I won't run away from reality, life. Without all the struggles in life. Then what is life? It would just be boring if I were happy all the time. I'm human. We all have these thoughts. Im just being a little wuss right now. I'm not strong enough. I aspire to be strong. I'm okay. At least. I think...