My Actual Life

James

James... he's my ex boyfriend. I dated him in spring of 2014. Sometimes I get pissed and call him a manwhore. And that's because I was so happy with him and all of a sudden he just breaks my heart and makes me attempt suicide because he just up and goes to breaking up with me. I miss him SO much. The same day he broke up with me, he decided to go back out with the girl he'd dated before me.

The weirdest thing happened today, I was on my way to chorus class and I'd thought I had heard a noise, I quickly spun around and I saw no one there. But I SWEAR I AM SHIZZOPHENIAC! I almost saw myself and him in running in the rain and he and I were laughing headed toward the chorus room's general direction. We were holding hands. Our fingers intertwined. :'(

I'd soon found myself crying. And trust me. It takes a lot for me to cry.

Also lately he and I have been glancing at each other. And every time it happens the breakup pain returns and it just about strangles me.

And my best friend's cousin and I were talking about how things are supposed to be pronounced while singing on our way to the bus, and i hadn't realized that my James was in front of me and he turned around and looked me straight in the eye and I walked away as fast as I could away from him ,and my best friend's cousin, as fast as I could.

And I am not over exaggerating but my face SOOOOO warm it almost tingled, so I'm guessing that it was most likely beet red. Also I just really miss him.

We don't even talk. He's been slowly slipping back into my life and here are some of the signs:

1.) He usually hangs around with some of our shared friends that seem to all of a sudden forgiven me for some damn reason.

2.) He and I share stares a lot

3.) He also seems to be in the halls more and also he passed out our paper today

4.) I have literally been bumping into him around the halls

5.) This one girl had mentioned James and I and asked if we are still together ( we actually broke up four months ago!)

I don't know why this is happening, but last year we had two fights which resulted in our 'not talking' thing and now I swear that these are some signs that I should talk to him but I guess I'm too much of a pussy to talk to him.

Fight One:

The fight that resulted in our breakup. I'd gone inside the school building to go and get my Vans out of my locker. I'd seen him talking to the dean Mr. Nuts. James's grandmother was talking to Mr. Nuts. James mouthed for me to go, but I refused as I was about to ask if I could get my shoes out of my locker. He stormed out and wouldn't talk to me no matter how many times I asked what was wrong. He put in earbuds to drown me out. WHY WAS HE DOING THIS TO ME?! I walked away as fast as I could and soon met up with one of our shared friends and sobbed in to her chest as she supported me.

Fight Two: (as he was dating that other girl)

My sister (Danika) had told me that he was going to ask me out the next week and so I asked one of James and I shared friends (Hailey) if that was true so she asked the girl that James was dating if that was true. Or something like that. And I got a lot of hate from James and his girlfriend for a long time and I swear that they still hadn't forgiven me.

I almost got in a fistfight with his girlfriend (Hannah) and I was able to talk her out if it. But also Hannah and Hailey are best friends.

And since then I have always blamed Danika. You'll see why in another chapter!

Jane is still going out with Hannah. Well Hailey told me!

Also in our relationship, it wasn't natural. We made out sometimes. And also we were ALWAYS HAPPY! Even before our first fight.

I am so tired of the pain! What should I do?

This goddamned bullshit needs to end now!!! But I don't know what to do about it! Please help me!