Anxiety Attack

Chapter 6

“This isn’t over!” Luke called as I disappeared into my room.

“I don’t care!” I called back as I closed my door and collapsed onto my bed.

I had absolutely no desire to do my math homework, but I knew if I didn’t do it now, I would never do it, so I dragged myself over to my desk and began my work. It was fairly easy, as I absolutely loved radicals, and by the time I was finished the sun was setting. Glancing around my room, listening for Luke, I heard the TV on downstairs so I knew I was safe.

Easing open my window, I gingerly climbed onto my roof, making sure not to slip as I made my way to the top of my house and lied down on the top, slipping in my earbuds and playing some music as I gazed at the sunset, vaguely noting its beauty before sighing.

Today was a good day, a day where I didn’t absolutely dread going to school and I laughed with Eli. Tomorrow could be anything; a bad day, a good day, an iffy day, any kind. My mind traveled downstairs, in our medicine cabinet, where we kept all the medication, and where my bright yellow pills were located.

They were for my anxiety, but I didn’t take them, even though my mother thought I do. They do take away my anxiety attacks, but they made me sad. The side effects listed loss of weight, hallucinations, sleepiness, and depression. Whenever I took my pills, they made me sad and see things. I’d rather deal with the anxiety attacks. Sometimes even though I’m off the pills now, I still felt depressed, even though there was absolutely nothing in my life to make me depressed.  

Right now I felt depressed, and I had no idea why. All I felt like doing was lying on my roof and listening to my music, which, incidentally, was pretty much all sad music. As I lie here thinking about nothing in particular, my mind traveled to my computer located in my room, which I practically only use for school and YouTube videos.  As Troye Sivan played on my Ipod, I felt obligated to go on my computer and watch him, especially his new music video to Happy Little Pill, but I couldn’t bring myself to move from my spot. Speaking of Happy Little Pill, its familiar beat began to play and I made a quick decision before hoisting myself up.

Carefully maneuvering my way down the roof, I paused in front of my window, debating whether or not I should take something else. I decided against it, simply wrapping my sweater more tightly around myself and slowly climbing into the tree next to my window.

As I safely rested on a branch, I glanced in the downstairs window, where I saw Luke on the couch, fast asleep. I smiled to myself as I climbed out of the tree, landing with a practiced leap on the sidewalk. Slipping in my earbuds, I hastened away from my house, eager to get away before Luke woke up.

Once I was a safe distance away, I slowed down, ambling along, enjoying my music. I often did these little escapades when I was feeling particularly depressed.  Something about having nowhere to go but all the time to wander cheered me up. As I walked, my thoughts trailed to my pills. I didn’t want to take them; I didn’t enjoy feeling unhappy and insane all the time.  On the other hand, my mother desperately wanted me to take them, she thought they reduced my panic attacks, which they did, but she also thought they made me happier, which they didn’t.  We were constantly arguing about them, where I refused and she yelled until she cried, and that’s where I broke, promising to take them. I usually did, for about a week until she stopped bugging me and I stopped again.

To be completely honest, I hated my pills. In public, my mother would always call them my happy pills, which I don’t understand. They weren’t anti-depressants, they were basically calming drugs. I was an already calm person. People and crowds just made me anxious. It’s completely normal. My mother making me take stupid pills wasn’t normal. Sometime I resented my brother, who even if he hadn’t gotten into college, had a normal mind, one that didn’t freak out around people. If anything, my brother thrived around people.

I sighed and turned around, ready to try and find my way back home, because if the time on my Ipod was right, it was almost 9:00 at night and I had school tomorrow that started at 7:30. As it turned out, I had simply been circling my house for at least two hours and I easily found my house, with its signature bright yellow door to match my pills and huge tree that provided my escape. I slipped my Ipod into my back pocket and hoisted myself into the tree, trying to be quiet as I knew Luke’s bedroom was right next to mine. As I neared my window, I could hear music blasting from Luke’s Ihome, something by Jason Derulo. I sighed in relief and quickly opened my window and collapsed on the window sill. Hugging a pillow, I stared up at the stars, eager to go onto the roof again and watch them. I didn’t, though. I knew that one trip to the roof was enough for one day, and I closed my window and curtains before I was tempted even more.

As I changed for bed, I knew that no one had even noticed that I was gone, and no one probably would even figure out that I left my house on an almost daily basis for as long as I lived here.

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Anyone tell I'm a little depressed? Well, I was when I wrote this, so bear with me here, although my baby cousin Gabe made it better, even though I had to change his diapers. If you're all lovely, which you usually are, I may update on Friday and Saturday and Sunday just because I'm starting school on Tuesday. That scares me. A lot. Anyway, I'm going to recommend a book to read, this week it's Hey Beautiful by @TaintedRain, it's purely amazing, I loved it, you should read it! Bye!

Love ya!

-T A Y L O R