Heart vs Mind (Saiki K x Reader)

15. Feelings are Bullsh*t

It still didn't feel real.

You and Saiki... once unable to stop arguing; you never expected he would be the one to claim your heart. This would no doubt be toxic... sure he wasn't violent or verbally abusive like your first boyfriend. And he definitely wasn't overbearing like your second one. But he ignored you on a daily basis and tried to keep you out of his life. How could you fall in love with him? He was always so rude... but... thinking back his comments were always somewhat funny. He could make you the angriest and happiest girl alive within ten minutes. There was something enchanting about him that you couldn't quite put your finger on. You just wished you knew what was happening between you two. Although, at the moment, you didn't care much to wish too hard. Today was one of those days you were emotionally drained. Since meeting Saiki, they became less frequent. Instead of every week they were becoming once every three weeks or sometimes even four.

You hated days like these.
Your chest felt heavy, weighted by immense pressure of lack of feeling. Lack of motivation struck you at every angle. You couldn't feel positive or negative emotion, not your own, not from anyone else. And you didn't care. You didn't feel like sleeping but you didn't feel like being awake. You just were going through the motions eager to be alone as soon as you could to be silent. You didn't like talking on these days because it made your chest heavier when you had to actually take a deep breath to speak. You preferred shallow breathing these days. There was no faking through it because you didn't care to.

Numb. Emotionally numb. That was the only way to describe it.

You were pretty sure the situation with Saiki caused it.

"Hey, (f/n)! Why the long face?"
It was Hairo. Of course. You let out a sigh. Today, you weren't in the mood to feel guilty about having feelings for Saiki instead of the boy you should have feelings for. Why couldn't you like Hairo? Maybe because he would be overwhelming towards you. Excessive... over the top... he was sweet but you didn't want to get yourself into that situation again.
Besides that, you didn't want to put up with him today. You didn't have the motivation to smile for him.

"Tired. Didn't sleep." you said with a gentle shrug. Hairo looked concerned, "That's not good. How come?" Because the School's biggest tsundere, and the meanest person I know, kissed me to make his brother think we were dating. Then kissed me again and it turns out both times he actually meant it. Then visited me at 2AM to check on me when he kissed me again to see how it felt. And he's never had feelings like these for someone before yet he still acts like a total dick and it's confusing. But whatever...
"Stuff." you answered bluntly.
"You wanna talk about it? I'm a great listener!"
"I'll pass..." your voice trailed as your eyes wandered to the pinkette walking into the classroom with Kokomi Teruhashi hot on his trail whining his name for his attention again. Hairo held up a greeting hand and waved to them, "Hey you guys! Over here!"
No...Nono... no. Hhhh...
Saiki walked over but ignored him just like he ignored Teruhashi.

(Saiki's POV)
I wasn't sure what I was supposed to say to (f/n) now that we were... I think a couple? We didn't make it official yet and we didn't actually admit to how we were feeling. But we kissed... does that make us a couple? You see, feelings are complicated. They're always complicated. That's why I chose to be more like my Grandfather. Feelings were bullshit jumbled up into more bullshit.

I knew she liked me back after I gave her that dirty dream. So why was I still confused about where this was going? And why do I still want to kick Hairo's ass? I never thought I would be the jealous type... jealousy was just another bullshit feeling. It was like frustration, hope, fear and wounded pride all in one. Don't think I'm an ass just yet, readers. Hairo may seem innocent but remember I can read his mind...