what lies beyond the rainbow?

Travis and I

That day, Travis and I are supposed to meet at dinner time.

It was on the 24th day of December just a couple hours before Christmas that I decided to make use of a dating app over the web where I happened to come across - after a couple of blatant and futile trial - him and as it goes on we talked for almost an hour or two to serve as our "usual getting to know each other stage".

Usual. Except that it is happening on one, a dating app or virtually and two, that someone is clearly lying about something.

That day, December 25th, christmas day! We hit up on one another upon waking up greeting each other a merry christmas and wishing that we enjoy the rest of the day which led to him deciding to ask me out.

Covers are about to get blown up.

"Okay. Meet you @ 7 at a Café nearest from Columbia University"

I agreed obviously without even thinking. Soon as I get to make sense of the situation - shivers went down my spine, I'm trembling to the point that I can't even type a word.

"Yes daddy, sure."

"Okay baby girl, see you later. I'll hit you up when I'm free. Got to drive downtown to pay grandma some visit."

I was so anxious about it, really anxious that I did not know that hours passed and it's time to get ready.

For one moment I was worried about what clothes I shall put together and don not until it came to mind that it will not matter anyway.

After a couple more minutes, I am done and will be so done. I took a deep breathe as I look onto my reflection in the mirror - wow,you look good and horrible.

Travis said it should be at the nearest café from Columbia University in which by the way just a few steps away from where he is staying for the holidays.

He is with his family but on regular days he is in Korea, as he said, working as a professor. He has two children, a boy and a girl of my age but they are in their mother's custody - and yes legally separated.

"Just taking shower after I'm done with this I'll straight to the café. See you."

I received that message just right before I walk past our door. This is it now. Oh by the way, the university and the café is only a walking distance from our house except that it takes a couple more compared to him.

My chest I heaving. As I am on my way I decide to take slow and small steps and to contemplate about our coming across one another stint last night and the long hour of talk.

Okay, eventhough it is obvious let me just put it to words Travis is by the way, a man 15 years older than I am and I'm just 18.

To add up on earlier, he is a professor in Ancient Language particularly in Sanskrit - an old Indian language.

The whole conversation went across my brain at once and it made me smile.

I brought out my phone.

"Ah. See you, how good it was talking to you."

We talked about random things starting from our basic personal infos down to sex and down to how the latin language came to die.

A couple more minutes til covers are going to get blown up.

Will he or will he not? Maybe he will not and that is the price I pay for doing this, I thought to myself. I turn right, the streets are brightly lit giving off crazy high spirited vibe. Reminds me of the photos he sent last night.

Shit. He is perfect, what can I say.

I continued walking ahead, past that christmas lights. He sent  exactly three photos. First one is a photo of him in bed, with his eyes half closed - feeling sleepy as he said it.  I remembered responding, "wow you look hot in that lip and eye formation". Pathetic.

Then I requested that he send me another photo of him but this time smiling, and dang! He looked hotter. Then he told me eventually that I wait for him for a couple minutes, he forgot to shower earlier and yes, being just my natural self I ask him to send me a photo of him in front of the mirror in his robe. "Pre-shower photo for my baby girl"

Perfect.

Let me just describe that photo - it is a photo of him standing in front of a mirror wearing a gray cotton pajama half naked and it is barely covering his "front", well it's too held-down and of course it shows his v-line.

He is tall. He goes 6' 6, as I am 5' 5. Yes, it also came in our conversation. He is shaven headed, fair skin and yes, I'll give it too him well-built bodied man for his age.

I did not notice that I was too absorbed in my thoughts and that I am walking aimlessly.

I looked around and realized I'm in front of Columbia University where he took up his PhD. Wow.

And yes, in a couple more meters away I can already see the café he'd been talking about.

And a lump formed in my throat. Shivers, extreme sudden shivers went down my spine and I could feel my whole body trembling.

Alright, it all goes down to this.

I take much slower steps and brought my phone out.

"Hi."

I kept it short, I could barely type.

"Where are you? I'm already here, honey. You are running late."

"I'm on my way, give me couple more minutes, my good daddy."

And without even noticing it, my eyes are already filled with tears.

"Dad. I think I can't."

For a moment I thought of backing out and continuing with my lie to make it last a couple more days.

" Come on, you said you were on your way. Come on hurry up, like the good baby girl that you are."

"Daddy"

Okay. I reached the point of no return why am I so emotional it is not as if we have been talking that long.

So yes with a heavy chest I continued walking.

"By the way, everything I said about myself last night is true daddy."

"I know baby girl that is why I wanted to meet you and that is why I want to be with you from this day forward."

"Except for,"

"I'm getting  little impatient. Come on let us not ruin the merry moment."

And that is why I can't let this go. I am too desperate, desparate enough to take on anything even that.

My tears won't hold up.

"I want to say thank you for lifting up my sad holiday spirit daddy and yes, sorry,"

"Anything for my baby girl. Wait what, sorry?"

"Yeah. Sorry,"

"Why? You are confusing me."

I'm now at the café and he is just a thick glass wall away. I took couple of seconds to cherish his side profile looking down on his phone then I took a photo of him.

I let out another sigh. Okay, I know this now.

"Baby speak out. Come on, where are you?"

I send him the photo that I have taken and upon seeing that photo his lips formed a wide smile - like that of a child when you finally give him his socks on Christmas Eve - then eventually he looked at my direction.

Smiling to straight face, real quick.

I met his stares. His eyes are confused. He is loooking at someone shorter and younger than he is - truth.

He is looking at someone wearing bright yellow sweater and a gray beanie same as his color coding - truth.

But his eyes travelled around, he could not find the "baby girl" he has been waiting. All he sees is a young man in a yellow sweater crying while looking at his direction.

I turned back.

"Daddy, I'm gay. I'm sorry."