Just do it √

Sixteen

‘Now that we are done with your distraction tactic, what’s up with you? Was your mom mad?’ There was no escaping him.
‘A little bit’. He gave me a smile as if to tell me to spill my guts so I did.
‘Do you ever think about your life, like the future?’ I asked
‘Of course I do. I live for the now but I still look forward to the future’. His voice was calm, soft and free.

‘When I look at my future all I see is a blur, uncertainties, failure, disappointment. I know people experience setbacks once in a while but with me it’s like a daily occurrence. I can’t even think about my future because there is nothing to think about, nothing to look forward to. My life has no heading’.

He looked intently at me, his smile diminishing only a little. I knew I was supposed to feel exposed and insecure but this was Rasheed and I would never tell him but his smile gave me a different kind of comfort.

‘You remember Doctor Ben Carson?’ he questioned
‘Your role model?’ he nodded.
‘When he was younger, he was the dumbest kid in class. Did you know that?’ I shook my head negative.
‘Imagine him sitting at the back of the class staring at the mocking faces of his classmates, thinking about his future. Do you think he saw himself as a world best neurosurgeon? Dude was having problems with spellings then but he made a resolve to have a better life and he worked towards achieving that.

Amanda, the fact that you can picture what you think your future will look like in your mind doesn’t mean that you can reach in there and fix things. To get a better future, you have to work hard and learn to recognize and utilize help when presented with it’.

I sat quietly and stared at him for a few moments, letting his words sink in, then a smile broke out on my face.
‘What did I do to deserve you?’ I asked.
‘I don’t know but you can do something in future like get me a chocolate drink’. I laughed.
‘Fool’.

‘Valentine is just a few days from now you two. Lock it up and let’s get to class’. Hen said, suddenly before us.
‘Shut up’. I said and she made a childish face at me before pulling me up and doing same to Rasheed. She hooked her hands with ours and dragged us along with her.
‘Being social prefect is hard’. She began whining.

‘You always wanted to be social prefect’. I said with an eye roll.
‘I know but planning the valentine cotillion is hard. Can you believe I don’t have a date yet? I’m just making these arrangements for everyone else. What if Chris doesn’t ask me?’

‘He had better because no one else is going to ask you, they all know you are waiting for him’.
‘You don’t have a date either’. I shrugged
‘Neither do the rest of the girls, besides, I don’t want to go’.
Hen shook her head.
‘Vivian is going with Tolu and Abike is going with her obnoxious seatmate. You need to find a date’. She said like we were talking about a ticket to heaven.

‘What about you?’I threw back at her.
‘I’m the organizer, I can go solo and still have tons of fun’.
‘I don’t want to go either’. Rasheed chipped in.
‘Great. We can play scrabble while they party’.
‘Ooorrr. You can both come as a pair’.
‘I’m not so….’
‘Come on. It’s the first ever val.cot and I’m launching it, you have to be there for me, that’s what friends do’.
I looked to Rasheed and he just shrugged.

‘Okay’.
‘Fantastic. I will begin working on your costume’.
‘Costume? Its valentine not halloween’.
‘Oh shush. You’re gonna love it’.
I doubted that with everything in me.

As I lay on my bed that night, Rasheed’s words kept replaying in my head, filling me with bouts of positivity and it was with this new zeal to do better that I marched to Mr. dominic’s office the next day during my free period.

‘Amanda’. He said in surprise. ‘I don’t remember calling for you’.
‘Well here I am. You said I could come whenever I felt like talking’. His eyes widened a fraction.
‘Take a seat please’.
I pinned my butt to the familiar uncomfortable seat.

‘So?’ He questioned.
‘I don’t know where to start’. I confessed.
‘Just say whatever comes to your mind. I want your feelings not your thoughts’. I couldn’t make complete sense of that but decided to just go with the flow. Taking a deep breath, I began.
‘I feel out of place’.
‘Is this a new feeling?’
‘No. It has always been there, for as long as I can remember’.
‘Why do you feel out of place?’

‘Growing up I always felt different from my peers. While most of them lived with their parents, I lived with my grandparents and my father who I initially thought was my brother until my granny told me he was my dad and my mom had bailed. With my mother gone and a dad that hardly acknowledged my existence, you can say I didn’t have a great family orientation and after I watched my father kill Iya, whatever hope I had in family died with her.

Then my mother showed up and took me away and for a short while I was blinded by the comfort this new development gave me and I let my guard down like I am doing now but she just had to dump me in this hell and once again that feeling of alienation crept in. If in the midst of poor kids like myself I felt out of place you can imagine how I feel here with these rich intimidating kids, all happy and problem free. I want to talk to my mother about all of these but even she has gotten tired with me after I ruined her relationship’.

‘What happened?’
‘He tried to rape me’. I said with a shrug. He quickly pushed his glasses up his nose and leaned away from me so little I’m sure he hadn’t noticed.
‘Why can’t you talk to your mother?’
‘She’s always either out or too wasted to hold a conversation’.
‘Why are you telling me all of these now?’
‘You said you wanted to help. Someone recently made me understand that accepting help isn’t a sign of weakness’.

Mr. dominic smiled at me.
‘Weakness is definitely not one of your attributes. I always knew you were going through something, I noticed it in the wall you had around you that didn’t let anything get through to you, not even your class lessons. Amanda, you are not what you go through in life but what you make of it. All these kids you see in this school do not lack problems, we all have problems, big and small, that we don’t wear it on our sleeves doesn’t mean it’s not there. For now all I can tell you is; forgive, have an open mind and live for you’.

I leaned back on the chair. Forgive, have an open mind and live. The chair felt a lot less uncomfortable.

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That's enough psychological stuff for me🤦‍♀
This book is becoming more challenging to write, I just hope I'm stirring it right.
Did you know we've hit 2k reads? You guys make me feel like a shitty person for not updating enough, let's hope the new year changes me.😊
Special dedication to egwuatuchiemelie

#lifeisprecious
#loveyourself