Something Lost (Original Draft)

Chapter 38: First Snow

"Remember our talk yesterday, about trust?"

"Yes."

How could I forget, I was angered because every little thing I did was being reported back to him and his Council. Of course it wasn't kept secret, it was thrown about casually as if it wasn't insulting to me - that's what bothered me most about it. I had told Alexander the day before that I would rather his men keep their monitoring of me discreet, that I would be more inclined to spring the surprise attack they were waiting for, when I wasn't feeling the weight of their watchful eyes. He sympathized and asked his men to ease up.

"Everything that is happening between us, right now, is private. We can talk amongst each other like adults, as friends." He assured me.

I blinked, "I was wondering something about you, was all... I wanted to know how you are always able to keep it together. Like, when we fought the dragon you were fearless... you had no doubt, and you would have fought it till your death if it came down to it. Where does it come from, your drive? How did you let go of the human need to be selfish, let go of the desire to preserve your life, and disregard your safety for others."

He laughed, which was unsettling at first. Not because it was rude, or impolite, just because I could tell he didn't think of himself that way. He needed to know that what he did was commendable - that he was amazing.

"I'm sorry, you'll have to excuse my poor behavior." His gray eyes lowered with his apology. "It's really quite moving that you believe in such things. The fact that I laughed so nervously at your statement shows I am capable of experiencing fear... it shows my weaknesses."

"But even so, you don't let that hinder your actions... from doing what is right."

He smiled, "So what you're really questioning is my sanity."

"No, I simply want to know, why... I've been wondering what makes you so -" I stopped and searched for the right word, something strong and protective. As his gaze met my position, the description I was searching for came to mind and I continued with one belted word. "heroic..."

His earlier smile melted into his soft answer, "Love."

The reply he gave was unexpected and strong, stronger than the words I used to describe him and his actions with. And when he said that word, it was all I needed to convince me to do the right thing, for him.

"It's the love of my kingdom, and the people who live within it. That is what makes it so. When you have something so great, you wish to protect it with all of your heart."

I shifted in my seat, "If only every man could have a Kingdom of his own to protect - the world would be a better place."

The air between us was thin, and short, too short to conceal the affection that carried in my voice for him.

"Night has fallen, and I know your day tomorrow will be filled with preparation." I spoke up while sliding my seat back.

Tomorrow James and Andrew would be back from their task to retrieve blessed cloth from Halliwell, the Divine Kingdom - Terra's First Kingdom. Alexander's Court had requested several meetings with him to discuss the planning of the ceremony. He had pushed it back so many times that he could no longer refuse them. I truly felt bad for him, not because I was attracted to him and wanted to have him all for myself - I just didn't think it was fair, that his future was decided for him when he was only a child. He was such a gentle person, who deserved something good. In all honesty I would have rather seen him happy.

"Would you like me to walk you home tonight?" He asked while standing with me.

"Of course," my real reply got lost in that simple answer, it would have been bolder and carefree if he was any other man. How I wished I could forget that fact, but I was wise not to. I took his offered arm and we walked through the castle doors together.