Being 10 weeks due was scary, in about two months time I am going to be a mom. Being a mom was more than just giving life to a child I knew that and that's what scared me. To be a mother, I needed to be able to provide my child with everything it needs and I'm not talking about things with monetary value. My child will need love, attention, continuous support, a role model. Am I ready to provide all those things? Am I going to be a good mom? Am I going to get respect given by moms to other moms?
I never used to think of anything like this when I was still 2months pregnant, now that I'm two months due they are all just rushing at me. They were all just insecurities about me not being as good as my mom was in raising me and my brothers.
I mean look at my older brother; he is a businessman, he has a beautiful wife and two sons. My younger brother is graduating from law school in about two weeks time and me, well I can't see anything wrong with my life right now.
I got the man, the happy home soon to be getting a new member, we are financially okay, more than okay.
-----
"Mom," I was in the kitchen of my moms house, "do you think I would be as good as you did in being a mom?"
We were having a family dinner, to my dismay I had to cook. My older brother's wife - Chelsea - hadn't arrived yet, so it was just me and my mom. While Butch or my dad or my younger brother -Derek- snuck into the kitchen when we weren't looking to steal something.
Boys - 4, girls-0.
Boy I hope the next person to walk in here is Derek or Butch. I want to see there face when they get hit in the gut with a potato. We - my mom and i - already set up a potato launcher for the unfortunate sucker who tries to mess with us. My mom was down with shooting my dad but I wasn't, I mean he is my dad I can't do that.
"Of course darling," she dropped the spoon she was using to stir the chicken stew and came to hold my hands.
"I don't think I can do it." I said truthfully, I didn't think I could actually be a perfect mom. I didn't even know whether I was a perfect wife. "I don't think I can be as perfect as you."
She laughed, "thank you but I'mm not perfect." She was trying too hard to be modest, "I made mistakes as a parent, just because you all turned out well doesn't mean my parenting was perfect. Its not possible to be the perfect parent, all you have to do is believe in yourself and tell yourself you can do it. I just did whatever I thought was right and the right thing was whatever I knew you all wouldn't hate me for forever."
"I don't think I can do it, I don't think my child would look up to me like we look up to you. I don't think I have the parenting instincts." I wish I could tell Butch how I felt about becoming a parent like I talked to my mom but when I tried to my envy didn't let me. I knew he was going to be a perfect parent, a way better one than me. The thought just me believe he was never going to understand me, he was never going to be able to comfort me like I would want him to.
My mom sighed, "As a woman we all have it, its one of the gifts we all have. You think I would have let you babysit your brother all those times your father and I went out?
Her question took me back to all those times I had to be in charge even though Simon was older and would clearly be more mature than me.
"I almost killed him once, he fell down the stairs and I made him promise not to tell you in exchange for the ice cream I had access to for the month."
She chuckled and went back to her stew, "oh, he told me that. It took me two years to realize I could actually bribe him with snacks to keep his mouth shut. Do you know how many things I have had him hide from your father?"
I had a lot of guesses, Derek always told Simon and I any sin he witnessed.
"I didn't punish you because it was your training and what did you learn from that?"
"No matter how much you try to persuade kids, the little rascals would still rat you out," I huffed while my mom burst into laughter.
"Other than that?"
"Never leave a child unsupervised, that's one, never let your teenage daughter babysit."
"And you say I never made any mistake."
I guess she was right; I had the right to make mistakes. As long as I was able to rectify them, show love and learn. I didn't need to be perfect, I didn't need to be as cool as not to search my baby's room when he/she becomes a teen, I should feel alert. I always do, like how my hands are always wrapped around my tummy when i'm somewhere not so safe. I always had and have motherly instincts, I'm sure I'm gonna turn out great. Other than the times when I would want to dress my daughter -if I have a girl- exactly like me. Gosh, now I know the feeling.
-
"You know child birth is really painful." Chelsea decided to say out of the blue.
We were talking about how stupid husbands can be, how it must feel like to wrestle for products in malls, how period cramps hurt like hell and how we couldn't wait to get old enough to be done with that shit. But she just had to bring up the topic I have been trying to avoid.
"Yeah, I know." I replied blankly, leaving no room for discussion.
Chelsea was kinda big in a way, she was like Khloe Kardashian, a way taller Khloe and also without the Khloe waist. Her eyes, dark chocolate color that makes you feel kind of awkward when she stares at you, her hair almost the same color but lighter. While my mom looked a vampire that stopped ageing at 20 and she was so small. If she didn't have white hair sticking out which she was too lazy to dye black again, you would have thought she was my younger sister.
"She doesn't want to talk about it because she is scared." My mom teased.
"Oh," Chelsea laughed, not her usual perfect laugh but the snorting like a pig which was only cute to hear when she was laughing at a joke and annoying when laughing at you.
"Mom, please!" I yelled. Now that she told Chelsea that, she was definitely going to tease me.
"Oh c'mon," my mom did her best persuasive tone, "I have gone through it three times-"
"And I twice," Chelsea added.
I mentioned Chelsea has two sons right? the first born Blake has brown hair like his mom and green eyes like his dad, while the second born Michael, has the exact features of my older brother, Simon.
The fact that my stupid brother is already a dad is shocking. The memories of him beating me and my dad in a game of basket ball still feels fresh. I can still remember when I had to wrestle him for the remote, or when he use to flirt with Blossom when she came over -but she was too smart for him- but now he has two little boys of age 5 and 3 looking up to him calling him dad.
"Whatever," I rolled my eyes, "can we talk about something else?" I pleaded but of course I was the baby so they didn't listen to me.
"Hey, I still have the video of my delivery," my mom chirped.
God no, it was horrible. Horrible I tell you, I had to watch three deliveries and Chelsea and my mom had to explain in grave detail how it felt everywhere. Everywhere!
If I was still the way I was in highschool, I would have been in the living room watching the game with my brothers and dad and husband.
Wait, I might not even have a man to call my own, or I might not even have this baby I was scared to have.
God, I'm grateful for this change.
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This is the crappiest of chapters I have ever written, I know.
I had a major writers block but I just had to update but pls enjoy.
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Baby Bump (butchercup)
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