Giggleswick: The Amadán Map

Chapter Nine: Breaking News

Every student in the theater moaned, though few as loudly as Eliza, who’d had her heart set on something Rodgers and Hammerstein inspired.  

“But we just did that one two years ago,” a girl standing a few feet away from Ms. Detweiler protested. 

Agnes took two unsteady paces toward the girl, glaring at her with a protruding eye and poking with an outstretched finger. “Horse-pucky!” she spat, and the girl retracted as though fearful for her life. “You think that counts as a performance?! A kindergarten class could have done better!” The pencil between her fingers snapped in two. “That’s why we’ll be doing it over!” She hacked so loudly this time that Elliot worried she might cough up a cat. 

“So, who’s first on the chopping block?” Agnes asked, resituating herself on the stool and straightening her wig. She squinted at her list and called out “Sternbottom, Alice”. This happened to be the same girl who’d complained a few seconds ago, and when she stepped forward once again, Ms. Detweiler groaned and flung her hand toward the stage. “Just go,” she muttered. 

Either Elliot had never heard the song Alice was singing before, or the girl couldn’t sing, and Agnes cut her off in the middle of the song. “Uh huhhh. Next!” she yelled. “Ripley, Brian.”

Ms. Detweiler hacked so loudly through Brian’s audition that Elliot had no idea what the boy was singing. “Apparently she smoked three packs of cigarettes a day in America,” Eliza whispered in Elliot’s ear. 

“Not surprised,” said Elliot.

“When she found out they didn’t have cigarettes here in Giggleswick, my dad says she demanded that Lefty turn the boat around,” Eliza added. “He says she was screaming and clawing at the boat, but her son George told Lefty to keep going.”

Elliot found this all a bit odd. “How come she got this job?” he asked.

Eliza rolled her eyes. “She claims she was Jimmy Stewart’s acting coach,” she said. 

Elliot nodded. “Gotcha.” The only movie Elliot had ever seen Jimmy Stewart in was It’s a Wonderful Life, which certainly wasn’t the sort of sentiment Agnes Detweiler seemed to embrace.  

“Dibly, Dorcas!” shouted Ms. Detweiler, calling the next student up on stage. Apparently Walt Disney had also made an impression in Giggleswick, because the girl named Dorcas auditioned with “A Whole New World” from Aladdin, singing both Princess Jasmine and Aladdin’s parts, though every time she got to the male lyrics, she sang in a much deeper voice and pretended to show off her muscles. When she’d finished, she was breathing heavily and smiling expectantly at Ms. Detweiler, but Agnes simply scribbled something on her notepad with a new pencil and shooed the girl off stage.   

Posey-Bernadette was next to audition, and Elliot noticed that Eliza’s knuckles grew white as she balled them into fists. 

“What will you be singing for us, Miss La Russo?” asked Ms. Detweiler, looking thoroughly miserable and twitching as if she’d had one too many cups of coffee.  

“Um, ‘I honestly love you’ by Olivia Newton-John,” said Posey, giving her hair a little flick. 

Agnes grimaced. “Fine. Make me believe it.” 

Elliot couldn’t deny that Posey had a decent voice, though her overuse of vibrato every time she sang the word “you” was making him seasick. If Eliza asked what he thought, however, he would tell her it was terrible, which wouldn’t be too hard seeing as Posey was a thoroughly unlikable person.  

Elliot thought the scowl might never leave Eliza’s face after Posey’s audition, but when Piper Feeney stepped on stage after a few other students, her face was all aglow. He sang something Elliot recognized from The Music Man, and Eliza didn’t blink once during his entire performance. Even Ms. Detweiler seemed mildly impressed. “Well, at least one of you can sing,” she said. Posey had found this instantly offensive and huffed loudly, and her sister Priscilla-Beatrice, who was likely only there for obligatory moral support, dutifully patted her on the shoulder.