Cigarette Smoke // FILLIE

Tell Me

m i l l i e

A week has passed since the day my personal guilt pile began. The days seem to pass quickly, but all of them include Finn. A couple times we went to the abandoned warehouse and drank beer while talking about our pasts, usually ending in a make out session.

A few days ago I told my mom about Finn's cancer. I only made it half way through the explanation before I cracked and she had to comfort me until I could even breath normally again.

During lunch I go to the parking lot with Maddie and eat in her car. I haven't told her the truth about what happened with me and Noah, or about Finn, but she doesn't mind.

All I had to tell her is that I didn't feel comfortable around Noah anymore and that we were fighting again. She understood but told me I'd have to tell her everything sooner rather than later. And man, am I thankful for that.

Yesterday Finn went to his first consultation since the first one he had four months ago, when I asked him about it in the hall he just said it went well and that he has another one on Monday. I figure he told the truth, but it also seemed too vague of an answer to trust.

Regardless, I've been trying to balance out time with him, my mom, Maddie, and school. It's hard, but it helps whenever Maddie and I hang out we try to get in some homework or studying.

It's funny to me how such a wild girl who loves parties can also obtain a 4.0 GPA, as if she's batting an eye.

-+-

Maddie and I sit on top of her car with our lunches sprawled out before us on towels she had in her trunk. The two of us quickly got bored of sitting in her car so we decided to climb on top of it after a few days.

"So, are you ever actually going to tell me why you and Noah are fighting or are we going to be out here getting tans in May." Maddie teases as she takes a small bite of her shining red apple, her tone full of playfulness but her words meant to be taken heavily.

I let out a soft laugh at the thought of us lying on top of her car with shades on while reciting our notes for end-of-the-year finals.

Shrugging lightly, I take a Lays potato chip from my bag and throw it in my mouth.

"Millie.. really, tell me." The dirty-blonde pressures after realizing I wasn't going to answer after the first time.

With a sigh, I bring my eyes up from my lunch to face her urging expression patiently waiting for my explanation.

I scan over the packed parking lot full of vacant cars and reserved staff signs, both trying to stall and see if anyone would hear what I know I'll eventually have to say.

When I find no sign of another life-form, I press my lips together and turn back to Maddie.

"Noah and I got into a fight because he- well.. I don't know, Mads, we're just not friends anymore." I simply state after finding no good way to explain the story without having to tell her about Finn too.

Her face paints over in confusion and a look in her eyes seem to ask 'that's it?', as if she wanted more than the vague answer I gave her.

"What do you mean, 'you're just not friends anymore'? You've been best friends your whole life- what happened?" Maddie questions, giving almost the same response that Noah tried when I told him we wouldn't work out as friends anymore.

You have to tell her the truth, Millie.

"We're not friends anymore because Noah is in love with me and he only cares about being with me instead of actually giving a shit about Finn who could possibly be dying as we speak, but hell- who knows? He won't tell me anything of actual importance because he's trying to protect me but- hey, guess fucking what? I've already gone through this, so just fucking tell me before it's too fucking late!" I ramble out angrily, throwing my hands every which way as I spit out all the built up frustration that has been festering within my body and pouring it into one confusing rant.