Waiting For You. (Harry Styles)

days 2-5

Day 2

The lads came over to our flat today babe. They think they need to be around me all the time. I told them I wanted to be left alone. They won't listen. Actually, they're still here. They're all spending the night. They're really worried about me. I don't think they need to be worried. I'm just laying in bed. I woke up again last night. I looked over at your side of the bed. You weren't there. Babe, where did you go? I cuddled with the pillow you use to use. It still smells like you. It's slowy fading though. Your smell is slowly fading away from me. I cried myself to sleep after I had woken up. I wanted so bad for you to just walk through the door telling me you had just went to use the bathroom. But you never came. What did I do to deserve this? Am I that much of a bad person? I still tell myself this is a bad dream. Praying that any day now I will wake up, and see you. I had another dream about you last night. We were in the mountains. You know that spot I use to take us too? Overlooking the city. And we would watch the stars and cuddle? That's what we were doing. I told you I missed you and that you needed to come back to me.

You looked me in my eyes. Your beautiful blue eyes sparkled even in the starlight. You told me you couldn't do that. You couldn't come back to me. Why? Why can't you come back? I need you so much. I'm nothing without you. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I told the lads about my dream. They started crying. They miss you too ya know. They miss you just as much as I do. They want you here. We all want you here. They told me that you wouldn't want me to be like this. I can't help it. Without you I have no reason to be happy.

The rest of the day was a blur. I can't remember too much. I wanted to stay in bed all day but they made me move out to the couch and talk to them. Talk about what? There was nothing to talk about. They started talking about memories of you. I broke down in tears. They tried to comfort me but only you can do that babe. Why weren't you there to comfort me? To put your arms around me and tell me it was going to be alright. I feel you around me right now. Maybe it's because I'm tearing up while writing this. I just need you here with me.

Day 4

I'm sorry I didn't write you yesterday love. I stayed in bed all day. The lads are still here in our flat. They're out watching tv. They cried some more today. They miss you. But I think I already told you that. They told me I said your name in my sleep last night. They said I was screaming for you. When they came in and tried to comfort me I pulled away. They don't seem to understand why I won't let them. Well it's simple really, only you can do that. I tried telling them that, they don't seem to listen. They tried to get me to eat today. I couldn't. I just can't eat.

It's been a month since I've lost you. Writing these entries are sorta helping. But it's not doing what I need it too. I just need you babe. I'm so lost without you. I keep waiting for you to just appear and for me to wake up from this bad dream. But it's not happening! Why is this not happening?!  The lads seem to think I need to go and talk to somebody. The only person I need to talk to is you. You were the only person I ever talked to about my problems. Nobody is ever going to be as good as a listener as you. They think that if I can't talk to them, I should talk to somebody else. I do talk to someone though, I talk to you. I felt you more than ever today. I long for your touch. I miss when we use to just cuddle on the couch watching films all day. You would lay your head on my chest and run your fingers through my curls. You loved my curls.

Remember how we use to argue about my hair? I wanted to cut it off so bad but you never let me. Those silly little arguments are one of the many things I miss about you. I miss how your smile could just instantly brighten my day. It was so easy for you to do that. I didn't have a dream about you last night. I did wake up again. You weren't there. I fell back alseep smelling your pillow. Everday it's fading. I don't know what I'll do once it's gone.

Day 5

I barely got much sleep last night. But that's nothing new. I love you. Do you know that? I know you do because I tell you every day and night. Liam took me aside today. He sat down on the bed with me. But he sat on your side and pushed him off. It may have been a bit harsh but that was your side! He asked me why I couldn't at least try to eat something. I told him that I don't think I could keep it down. And I really don't. Then he started talking to me about you. I don't know whether I love hearing stories about you or if it just makes me even more upset. He started crying when he was in the middle of the story. Niall and Zayn came back and tried to calm him down. His crying had made me start crying. Then they started crying too. See how much we all miss and love you babe? We all need you here. 

They insisted I come out and join them after we all stopped crying. I feel like I can't tell them anything. I feel like they just wouldn't understand. I do sometimes though. I know you would be proud of me for that. I did go out and join them. They told me I should get in the shower too. Why? Why should I get in the shower? I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm not going out anyway. Liam said that it would make me feel better. Nothing can make me feel better unless someone or something can bring you back to me.

I'm now siting in our bedroom. I keep looking over to your side of the bed, picturing you laying there smiling that beautiful smile. And those beautiful blue eyes. You were so stunning babe. I don't know how I got someone as beautiful as you. I don't know how I got so lucky. But now, I have no one. This isn't fair! Why am I going through this? What did I do?! I'm slowly getting to my breaking point babe, and it's taking everything in me not to go there yet. Do you remember the first time I told you I loved you?

** "Harry what are you doing!"

"Carrying you over my should what does it look like?"

"I know silly! I meant why?"

"Cause I'm taking you to the bed!"

"Harry!"

"Look at me.. I love you so much baby. And I'm going to love you always and forever"

"I love you too! Soo much!" **

The tears in your eyes after I had said that to you made me smile. God, I love you so much babe. Please don't ever forget that.