"Arthur..." I combed my fingers through his thick, dark hair. He was on his bed, laying on his stomach with head buried into his pillow.
"Leave me alone." He said in a muffled sob.
I took in a deep breath in an attempt to hold my tears but it did nothing. I could already feel hot streams of tears running down my cheeks. It had been so many years... akala ko nakalimot na siya. God, how I wanted him to forget all those. I had tried so hard to erase those memories and replace it with happy ones. Kung may kakayahan lang akong ibalik ang oras at ibigay sa kanya ang pagmamahal na dapat naramdaman niya noon pa lang, gagawin ko.
"Baby, I'm so sorry," hindi ko na napigilan ang hikbing kumawala sa bibig ko. "Mahal na mahal kita, Art. Even back then when we weren't together, I kept you in my heart. Marami akong gustong ipaliwanag sa'yo pero hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan."
I felt a gripping pain in my chest. There were just sobs- dry choking sounds coming from me as my whole body heaved. He paused and slowly turned his face to my direction. He wiped his tears off his cheeks with his arm and then sat next to me.
"M-mom..." there was gentle quietness in his tone.
"I-I'm sorry..." humihikbing sabi ko.
"Why did you not like me back then?" his tone now calmer. He did not sound angry, there was just sadness. Lalong piniga ang puso ko sa tono ng boses niya. I would've understood kung magalit siya sa akin, I deserved it. But Arthur was not like that.
Hinawakan ko siya sa magkabilang pisngi. I looked him straight in the eyes as my vision became blurry with a surge of tears. They say a person's eyes are the only thing that don't change as they age. My son's were the most mesmerizing eyes I had seen in my life.
"You know, the first time I saw you... you were just a tiny little baby back, I was in awe. Your eyes stood out the most out of all the babies in the nursery. You were beautiful." I had to smile despite the tears. The nurse was wheeling me around the hospital when we passed by the nursery. I asked her to stop for awhile and my eyes searched him even if I didn't want to, it was like they had minds of their own. There he was, wrapped in a blue blanket, in his little bassinet. Arthur Cordova, it says on the little card. He opened his eyes and I couldn't help but take a sharp breath in. They were dark as dark. It stood out in contrast with his peach skin. They were the first thing you would notice, he was the first one you would notice in the nursery.
And it scared me how I felt at that time. I was not supposed to feel that way for my abuser's baby. I was disgusted with myself. From then on, hindi ko na siya ginustong makita. I had trained myself to stay as far away from him as possible. I could never love him, I thought to myself at that time. I should never love him...
"Things were complicated at that time. But I did love you, I have always loved you even when things were hard for me. I know things were hard for you too and I'm sorry. Madami akong gustong ipaliwanag sa'yo, Arthur, marami akong gustong malaman mo pero hindi pa ngayon. I just want you to know that I loved you even back then and I love you even more now." I gently stroked his hair. "I love you so much, son. So much it hurts."
"I love you too, Mom." he wrapped his arms around me. And I took him into my arms.
Kahit wala siya sa tabi ko noon, palagi siyang sumasagi sa isip. Tuwing mapapadaan ako sa kids' section o kaya'y may makikita akong laruan na panglalaki, siya ang una kong naiisip. Kung anu-anong tanong ang pumapasok noon sa isip ko, kung ano'ng klaseng mga laruan ang gusto niya, kung anu-anong damit ang sinusuot niya, kung ano ang size ng sapatos niya. The things I give to Cookie were the things I wanted to give to him. Like that life size car for Cookie's graduation, I pictured him riding the car too. I knew Cookie would share it with him kaya iyon ang binili ko.
