A Gothic Love Story - Not Mine Anymore

A Gothic Love Story - A monster is never dead.

2 Years Before *******

"Yeah man, I haven't taken her virginity nor will I, but I'll let you play with her if you pay me booze for a week."

I was hiding under the stairs, where there was a whole covered by wood panels. I was hearing my father and his best friend, Tuck, speaking. I knew what they were speaking though. They were speaking about me, and I was terrified.

It has happened before. And apparently it will happen again. Today. But not until they find me, and they will NOT find me. I won't let them.

Oh who am I kiddin? I am useless, weak, untrained. I'll never be able to defend myself. I should just die.

But by miracle, they didnt find me. They searched for hours, but I know well, and they never found me...

Tuck went away, after beating my father until unconsciousness. Not that he'll remember tomorrow. Or Tuck.

Present Time***********

I woke up with a sense of satisfaction. Don't get me wrong, this IS a nightmare, but it was one of the times I was smarter than them. I looked at the clock, and saw it was way before school time, but I knew I would not be able to sleep anymore.

I took a shower using the coconut aromas I only wore when I needed to relax and got dressed in black skirt and ripped leggins. I woke up very hot because of the nightmare so a tube top was enough.

I texted good to Ash and since I wasn't hungry, I just turned on music super loud. No one to hear me, no one to stop me. Freedom is good. I was facing away from the glass wall, but  something prickled in the back of my neck. Like I was being watched. I turned around fast enough to see someone move to the cover of foliage the trees and bushes around my house offered. I closed the metal shutters and made a phone call I had been delaying for a while.

****************************

2 Days later**********

It's happening again. This feeling of being followed, of being chased. But I had no way of being sure... Until the results of the phone call I did got back to me.

I got home fast, and closed myself in the meditaton room. I know I'm a rocker, but, sometimes, something else is needed. I put on traditional chinese music, with bamboo flutes, and meditated deeply, finding myself reminding myself that I'm not there anymore. That all these dreams meant nothing.

It takes time, a lot of time. Because no matter what I want to believe, many parts of me have been lost, stuck in the past. I have to get them back. Each little bit by each little bit, and it's hard. It hurts. It means facing again the memories, the encounters and pain I suffered there. There are times I just want to give up, to die. Because no matter how hard I try I feel like I never get myself back. And I dont have who to ask if I make progress or not. Because all the people in my old town are against me. They are the ones who saw me grow and saw my destruction, without ever being moved by it. They are the ones who should have helped me, and could help me now, but they never did, and I wont ask now.

What pathetic thing I am... Still depending on others when the real problem is in myself.

I went to bed with these thoughts, I spent hours in the room and didnt eat anything all day.

I had the same nightmare, with Tuck and my father. Why these were hunting me I dont know.

I was walking down the streets with Ash, Lisa and Drake when my whole body froze, unable to move.

I didnt see what made my body freeze. A memory? A face? Then I looked more closely, and even my  mind blanked in fear.

2 seconds later, I was released from it. I turned, and ran. Far away. To the house, to the attic, to the whole in the wall I found a few days earlier.

In my mind, I was reliving it all over agan. The abuse I suffered. I was trapped in my own labyrinth with no way of going out. I dimly heard voices, calling my name, searching for me, but I couldn't answer. If I answered, he'd find me. He'd kill me. He'd rape me.

I couldn't let him find me.

I couldnt let my father's best friend find me. I couldn't let Tuck find me. But what if..... He already had?