I did everyone a favour. I did myself a favour.
I grabbed whatever was at reach. Tablets. Rope and a blade.
As I could feel the pain of the blade across my wrists.
All I could hear was.
Why did they call me names?
Why did they all leave me for someone or something better?
What have I done?
Why did they hurt me?
Why did they continue to bully me and call me names. Etc?
My head was full of questions. Then it hit me. I was nothing but a worthless. Sad. Depressed teenager who everybody wanted to run away from.
The blood was slowly beginning to escape my shredded skin.
I was edging for the tablets. I unscrewed the lid, shook the bottle so about 6 was in my hand. But then I thought to myself.
Is this really worth it? If i do this will I achieve anything? ...... No. It would mean I let them win.
I took a final look in the mirror, smiled and tied the rope around my neck. Finding the highest spot.
I took a deep breath. Took the tablets, swallowed and jumped.
*******
Everyone is happier. Everyone can live the rest of their lives without the worthless teenager they used to call fat, ugly, worthless and slut.
I'm no longer living in fear of being imperfect, a disgrace.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I jumped the memories came flooding back. I had a happy childhood but it wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. It was like a mixture between roses and darkness.
Then along came school. People would bully me because of the way I spoke, the way I dressed. I developed anxiety and bulimia.
I was told I was fat, ugly. They would make fun of my name and who I was related to.
I got really insecure. And would lock myself away from the world.
That's why I'm here. In this position. No one would care, no one would notice. Right???
I mean I'm just another person to kick down and beat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your mum came home from work to found you hanging there, she was crying her eyes out as soon as she saw you.
What have you done? You can hear voices in your head while your sat there on the edge of your bed in spirit form.
Your mum quickly grabs her phone, she calls your dad. *no answer* she tries again and he answers. Your mum struggling to speak because of the tears.
What have you done? You hear again.
You hear the sound of keys in the lock. Your dad rushes upstairs. He sees you and raps your mum into a tight hug, her head laid in his neck saying. NOT MY BABY! He then let's go. Walks up to you and unties the rope from your neck.
He holds you in his arms. What have you done? Why did you do this? He whispers in your ear as a tear escapes from his eye.
You hear the sound of sirens. They burst the door open and lay you on a stretcher. They rushes you off to the hospital.
Followed by your mum, dad and siblings. All praying that your still here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's too late......... You can hear sobs and sniffles. She's gone! Is all you can hear at the bottom of the corridor. You think to yourself. What have I done? They didn't deserve this.
******
A few years pass. Your siblings blame themselves. They'd wished they never fought with you. They'd wished they said I LOVE YOU!
Your parents have grown apart. They hardly Speak to each other. Your siblings lock themselves in their room thinking and remembering the happy memories you had and all the memories of what could have been, they keep a diary. It's full of all the memories and pictures of you.
You were an amazing older/younger sibling.
Your mum and sibling(s) cry themselves to sleep.
Your sibling(s) visit your grave stone and stay there for hours talking to you about their problems but it's not the same as talking to you in person.
They miss your hugs. Most importantly they miss you.
*****
School hasn't been the same since the day you passed. The laughter you shared. Your presence. GONE! But what for?
The person(s) who bullied you feel bad. They've tried to self harm.
Your best friend(s) feel like a part of them is dead because your missing from their lives. They miss your cheekiness, your smile, your laughter. They thought you were amazing. But you seemed to believe different.
You believed the bullies. But what do they know?
You never realised what could have been until. It's too late.
*******
Next time you pick up a blade etc. Remember I know. Think of the consequences. The impact. The outcome.
Remember your beautiful. Your perfect. Your amazing. The list is endless.
SMILE!
I needed someone to talk to and most times no one was their for me or just didn't care. But I'm here for you because I know what it's like to feel alone. Insecure. And worthless.
