~Dear Diary~ Lams AU

P1

I can't believe he's gone. It seems like he was just here, but no. Right now he is in a small box under the ground. The funeral was plain torture, seeing him laying lifeless in a casket was heart breaking.

My Alexander. Gone.. just like that, dead..

I've been putting off cleaning out his stuff even though he died a month ago because I know the second I do, it becomes real. He'll actually be gone.

I've locked myself in our-

My.. house.. I ignore all the phone calls from friends. I know what they are going to say, "sorry for your loss John," and I can't deal with that. It's the same as cleaning out his stuff, I'd be admitting he's gone and never coming back.

I slump off of the bed I had been lying in for the past two days. I have done nothing but cry and mourn. Only getting up to use the bathroom when I couldn't hold it any longer.

I barely sleep and I haven't ate anything for weeks. They say it gets better with time... but it doesn't, it gets worse.. it gets worse every day he isn't here beside me, laughing at my stupid jokes. Telling me he loves me.. no, he'll never say those words again..

I wiped most of the tears off my cheeks only for them to be drenched once again. I sighed loudly, though it sounded more like a whimper. My hand slid under the bed, I felt something hard. I grabbed it and pulled it out. I was met face to face with a solid purple book.

Memories flooded my brain. I started crying again, surprised he had even kept this stupid, meaningless present I had bought him... I wanna say three years ago.

I flipped through the pages, seeing the majority of them were filled with writing. I smiled to myself as I flipped back to the first page. A small wave of guilt flooded over me. Was I really going to read his journal? A book full of all his private thoughts and feelings?

I almost put the book back but a small voice in my head told me not to.

He's dead now. He won't mind, besides, this book might explain what happened.

I agreed silently, it was true. It might explain what happened with him.

I took a deep breath and started reading.

10/2/15 Dear diary?

I don't know. This definitely isn't going to be one of those 'feelings' journal I know John wants it to be. Speaking of which he'll probably go through this sooner or later. Anyway, I have no idea what to write. Funny, right? Alexander 'nonstop' Hamilton doesn't know what to write. Seems almost impossible really. I guess I could talk about my day? Where to start.. probably the beginning. Well, earlier today John and I went shopping. He was begging and pleading with me. "Please, I wanna go look at the Halloween stuff" and "Let's go look at all the pretty leaves." Of course I couldn't say no to him. We put our jackets and and left. About ten minutes into the walk John started shivering, I laughed before handing him my jacket. I told him he needed to bundle up because it was so cold out. He never listens. When we got to the store he immediately ran for the costume section, pulling out all the animal onesies. He wants me to wear a lion onesie for Halloween. Can you believe that? Anyway, we continued to look around. He bought something in secret and when we got home he pulled out this purple diary thing.. God damnit if I didn't love him so much I would have thrown it in the fire place already. That's all I have to write right now. I guess I'll do this again later? I don't know, maybe.

Ever yours, Alexander

I smiled again, he really did love me. And I loved him.

I still love him. I will always love him. Always..