Pause (Published)

Chapter 25: What I Need

It's not long before a weight is added to the bed as it dips in from beside me. Tuning out of La La Land I look up to come face to face with his bubblegum blue eyes. I suck in a deep breath, leaning back slightly, feeling uncomfortable with the close proximity between us. "Can't sleep?" he asks affectionately, taking me by surprise. I was expecting him to be angry with me since I'm pretty sure I woke him up with all my racket. I shake my head, confirming his theory, not lis to speak. "Figures. I was expecting it. You've been through a lot."

"Sorry if I woke you." I mumble sheepishly, avoiding eye contact, feeling stupid, vulnerable and shy. Shy for goodness sake! Since when am I ever shy around anyone?!

He shakes his head, "You didn't wake me."

"I lied." I confess, ready to open up to him like he'd requested. "I'm not fine."

"I know." he nods, supportive and already aware. He can practically see through me. "You've had a rough day, talk to me."

Where do I even begin....?

"I'm scared Jay. I know I have you and I have my grandparents and my uncle and so many others, but it doesn't feel like it's enough, you know?" I ask, questioning myself, but needing him to see where I'm coming from. "I don't know, maybe I'm just ungrateful-"

"You're not ungrateful Aqueela." Jay cuts me off, immediately disagreeing. "You're only human and I think it's time you start to see that. I know you and I know you want everything and everyone to be fine, even if you're not. It's compassionate, but it's also incredibly stupid. You need to stop living for others and start living for yourself or I swear to God you're going to burn both ends of the candle."

I hear what he's saying and unfortunately he is absolutely right. I don't live for myself, I live for others. I swallow solemnly, "I don't know who I am anymore." I say what's been invading my thoughts for months now...I finally say it aloud, finally admitting it.

I'm half expecting Jay to either judge me or give me the pity stare. But as always he does the unpredictable and goes with sensitive instead, "Then maybe you need to start searching."

"For what?" I ask aloud, confused to what it is he was hoping to get at.

"For whatever it is that you've always been searching for." Jay answers in a whisper. I open my mouth but he's quick to shush me, "Don't even bother trying to deny it. I've been where you are now. I've stood where you are now standing. You're searching for something, the question is what."

He hit the nail right on the head, opening my eye so that I can finally see what I've been so desperately trying to block out all these years.

"My father." I finally answer, "He left when I was-"

"Twelve." Jay finishes for me, "I remember you told me."

I smile a little at this. Jay always seems to remember all our conversations, even if they were months ago.

"I haven't seen him or heard from him in six years. I just thought that he'd call me by now, but he hasn't and I feel empty inside. I know he left, but god, he's still my father. That clearly doesn't matter to him and it kills me. For the last six years I've been trying to erase him from my memories but it's impossible. He's always there, haunting me. I act like I don't need a dad, but I do. I need a father. I need him." I confess, being truthful for once and it's terrifying seeing as I'm pulling off the honest streak with Jay of all people.

"I understand. I wonder about my real parents too sometimes. Who are they? Why'd they give me up? Why've they never tried finding me? I understand." Jay replies in a gentle tone, not condescending in the slightest.

"But do you ever want to find them?" I coax on, wanting to relate more.

"Sometimes." Jay admits after a brief pause of silence, "I almost tracked them down a couple years ago. But I gave up on that. I'm better off without them...at least that's what I've convinced myself." he concludes, then sees my down fallen expression and goes on to add, "But you Aqueela, you have a real shot here. I know six years is a long time, but if you want to find your dad then we're going to find your dad."

"We?" I question.

"We." he confirms, letting me know that he's with me in this and for that I am thankful because this is something I cannot manage on my own. It's too close to home. "What about you?" I ask, referring to the ordeal with his parents.

"What about me?" he waves off the matter, "I've had years to find my parents, but I never go through with it. I'm taking it as a sign. I'm better off without them."

"No one is better off without their parents Jay." I sigh, hoping he'd listen. 

"Well I'm the exception." he argues and his tone gets slightly more aggressive so I back off, not wanting to push him nor upset him. He's finally telling me things about him and I don't want him to block me out again. I'm not messing this up. "Now tell me Aqueela, are you ready to find your father?"

I take a minute or so to think about it. What it would be like to see him again, to track him down and see where he's at now and perhaps make some reconciliations...

It doesn't take me long to make up my mind. I look up and face Jay with determination in my eyes, "I'm ready." I state with a strong conviction.

"It's going to be tough and time consuming, but if that's what you want then I'm going to be the one to help you track him down and finally find him once and for all."

It's what I want.

It's what I need...

 "But really Jay, we should totally get a dog."

"But we already have an 'Oog' to fulfill the pet role!"

"Fine fine fine! Daddy first, doggy later."

"Aqueela!"

*~~~*

I know this chapter is short, but a lot of you were asking me to update so at least it's something. Better than nothing right? I had to, what with all the beautiful feedback I'm getting. You're all incredibly supportive so thank you for that Xx But please understand my circumstances. If you are unaware, refer to the post on my wall from a week ago. It explains everything.

 1 - Should they get a dog or will Oog get jealous? :D

2 - Should they search for Aqueela's father or is it a mistake?

3 -  Did Jay cave to her living with him a little too easily? ;)

4 -  Is Max being a bad friend or is he just tired?

5 -  Why does Jay always remember all his conversations with Aqueela? :P

 Lastly, any of you keen to make a trailer? ;)

Thanks again! <333

~CJustMe