Summer Camp (Ryllon)

Ten: Calm

-Ryan, now-

When I wake up, I feel almost guilty for being a little calm. I'm warm and being held. My head is rested on someone's shoulder, their arms around me, and fear sinks in. I jump back suddenly, terrified of remembering Greg and remembering what happened last night with Shane, but guilt fills my chest when Dallon's eyes meet mine. 

"I'm sorry, I just-"

"Hey, it's okay. I don't know what happened, but I know that you were pretty scared out of your mind," he says calmly. He looks tired. 

"Did you sleep?" 

He stops for a second, then smiles comfortingly.

"Yeah, I just woke up a little bit before you, don't worry."

I nod, relaxing a bit as I look down. I feel something touch my shoulder and I jump horribly, but again realize that it's just Dallon. He looks at me guiltily, though.

"I'm sorry," I say quietly, and he slowly moves forward, inviting me to hug him. I wrap my arms around him, as he does to me. I relax with his touch.

"Just breathe, okay? No one's gonna hurt you, I got you. You're safe with me," he tells me calmly. I follow his instructions. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, snuggling into him as my fingers gently grip his shirt. I haven't hugged anyone in years until Dallon and I hugged that one time the other night. I'm not a hugging type of person, but this feels really right. 

The door opens and I jump, gasping slightly, 100% expecting to see Shane or for some reason Greg, but Mikey stops, raising his hands in innocence. I force myself to calm down.

"It's okay, it's just Mikey," Dallon tells me quietly, and I nod.

"Sorry," I say. 

"Don't apologize, you're good," Mikey tells me, smiling sadly at me. 

"Why don't we go get some food? I'll be by your side the whole time, I won't leave you. You need to eat," Dallon says.

"Yeah, you didn't eat dinner last night and I didn't see you at breakfast yesterday," Mikey says, and I feel guilty. Dallon frowns sadly.

"See? You need to eat. Let's go, I'll be with you the whole time," he says, standing. I do too, and we leave together, Mikey soon following us.

We walk to the cafeteria hall and step inside, and I feel pretty anxious. Spencer sees us and stands when he realizes that I probably look terrified. He walks over, then asks Mikey something. Mikey carefully puts his hand in front of me, then makes sure I know that he's the one tapping me. 

"The only ones who know are me and Gerard, but a lot of the guys know that you had a panic attack. It's up to you if you want me to tell anyone else, okay?" He asks, and I nod.

"You can tell Spencer, it's fine. He and I are best friends," I say quietly, so he turns and pulls Spencer to the side to tell him. Dallon snaps and two people stand and move to another table. He has us sit down, him on one side and a space between me and Frank.

Frank looks at me, then smiles sadly. I swallow and look down. Dallon gently squeezes my hand and Spencer sits next to me. I look at Dallon. He looks upset.

"You okay?" 

I shrug.

"Wanna talk about it later?"

I nod, and he does too, saying a quick, "Okay."

Dallon's arm snakes around my waist. I relax, feeling quite safe with my best friend on one side and Dallon on the other, me wearing his hoodie still and his arm around me.

Dallon kisses the side of my head and grabs my hand with his other.

"You really alright?" He asks. I look at him.

"I'll be fine," I say quietly. He kisses my forehead, then pulls away and holds me closer.

"I got you," he tells me softly, his voice calm and caring. People are staring, lots in shock, some girls looking almost jealous. I look over and see Shane in the corner of the room. He's glaring at me, looking like he's about to kill me. My blood runs cold and I tense up. I force myself to look away, anxiety filling in my chest. It's not just him, everyone's looking at me.

"I can't do this," I say, standing up and hurrying out of the small building. Mikey didn't tell Dallon. He can't know, I can't tell him.

I run between the trees, just going somewhere, until I end up at the top of a hill. I stand here and look at the sky. I don't want to be here. I feel useless, almost stupid and worthless. I fought back, why am I so terrified? Why do I have to be so nervous? Why do I have to be so-

"Ryan?" Dallon says calmly behind me. I told him I'd tell him later, but I don't even know if I can talk about it without being fucking terrified.

"I... there... I'm sorry, I can't-... everyone was staring at me, and-"

"Hey, hey, calm down, it's okay. Next time just... squeeze my hand or something, alright?"

"I'm sorry," I say again. He steps closer and pulls me into a tight hug. He's good at giving hugs. It's so comforting and feels caring and careful.

I hug him back, exhaling deeply as I slowly begin to relax.

"Do you wanna tell me why you're upset?"

There's a long pause. Should I tell him? I probably should, I really feel like I'm gonna get close to him. I mean, I already feel close to him, but still. I think I should.

"You-"

"I was raped," I blurt out, and he tenses. I can sense his anger. 

"Who?" He asks in a very low and angry tone as he pulls away. He looks pissed.

"Before, a... a few weeks ago, but it almost happened last night too, th-that's why my wrist is hurt and why I had a panic attack, it's cause it made me remember the fourth-... well, the last time it happened," I say, and the anger intensifies.

"Who?" He asks again.

"It... it doesn't matter," I say quietly, looking down.

"Ryan, who fucking hurt you last night?" He asks angrily, and I'm almost scared by him as I look back up. Mikey was right, don't get on his bad side. Who knew that his 'bad side' was whoever hurt me?

"It doesn't matter, he-"

"Ryan," he says again, and I stop. "This isn't just an 'oopsie' situation, that isn't fucking okay, and-"

"Dallon," I say softly, placing my hand on the side of his cheek. "I'm okay. I don't want to cause trouble or start any drama, so please... just don't do anything," I say, looking at him with a pleading look in my eyes. He obviously doesn't want to.

"Fine. But if it happens again, then-"

"It won't," I say, and he sighs.

"You... damn pretty boy, you think you can just look at me with those pretty eyes and talk to me with that soothing voice and think it'll all be okay? Well, you're right, because it worked on me," he says, and I smile a bit. He pulls me close. "But if I find out who, I'm gonna kill him because you don't deserve that," he informs me quietly.

"Thank you," I say, for once being able to smile. Shane can't mess with me if Dallon is with me the whole time.

"Come on, I had Mikey bring some food to your cabin," he says, pulling away and intertwining our fingers together. I walk with him, feeling calmer than I was before.