a hand gripping my shoulder, brings me back to reality. i turn around and see a familiar face. grayson. "wow g, you look very handsome." i say. he blushes a little then looks into my eyes. "thank you." his deep voice is almost a whisper. i look deeper into his eyes and see the pain. the sorrow. he's been crying..obviously, reina. everyone has. but he also looks lost and afraid. he breaks the stare, "im gonna go say 'hi' to some family and friends." he says. i nod understanding. he turns on his heel, but stops mid stride. "reina? how about you come with me..meet some old friends of mine and ethan's, as well as some of our family? please?" he insists. he puts his hand out for me to grab, i smile at his words & gesture, i chuckle and take his hand. we mingled for about an hour. until it was time for everyone to take their seats. grayson, his parents, cameron, and i sat in the front row because we're his immediate family.
it's weird how it all works....the speeches, the prayers, the slideshows, some more prayers, and everyone's condolences. this doesn't seem real...i feel like this is some sort of terrible dream or almost like we're in a scene of the saddest movie.
i sit here listening to this man talking about ethan's life and how much of an inspiration he was to others. which is all true. ethan was an amazing person with a beautiful heart. he lived his life the way he wanted while still making sure everyone was okay, he always helped others, and he knew he was very loved. the tears begin to roll down my face, my stomach twists into a knot. and my body is shaking. suddenly i feel a warm hand on mine, and i look up to see gray. he's looking at me with tears in his eyes. his touch is soothing. i mouth "thanks." to him and he just nods.
-
it's not long before its my turn to give my speech, my heart beats out of my chest and my stomach is twisting in an endless knot. this is it....this is my final goodbye to him. to the love of my life, ethan dolan. here it goes..
i walk up to the front of the small stage setup in the backyard of their childhood home, i take a deep breath before turning around to face the audience, clenching the piece of paper i've written my speech on. holy shit, i can't do this...
i quietly clear my throat, already feeling my eyes welt with tears.
"hello, i am reina. i am- was ethan's girlfriend, but he was more than just my boyfriend, he was my best friend, and the love of my life. my whole entire heart was devoted to him. ethan taught me how to trust and love again...here in my hand i have written a few deep quotes from a movie that is filled with love and inspiration, but also a great sadness." i sigh heavily, and my knees start to get weak. i look at grayson and then the rest of the crowd before continuing, "if collateral damage is the damage left after an incident or tragedy to the unintended 'victim' or other persons effected, then the collateral beauty is the positive or beauty of what comes after an incident or tragedy if one is lucky or aware enough to see it...because the deepest losses can still reveal the moments of meaning and beauty," i pause wiping the never ending stream of tears running down my face. i inhale slowly trying to calm my breathing, "love, time, death. these three abstractions connect every, single, human being on earth. everything we convey, everything that we fear not having, everything we ultimately end up buying. it's because at the end of the day, we long for love, we wish we had more time, and we fear death....love, time, death." i whisper the last three words, and begin bawling my whole entire heart out. my knees finally gave out, and im now on the soft grass holding myself, shaking.
i feel a gentle but familiar pair arms wrap around me. its grayson.
"hey, hey, hey..shhh, you did great, rei." he quietly coos. his soothing voice and the way his nickname for me roll off his tongue, echoes throughout my ears helping me calm down. i feel my shoulder becoming damp from grayson's tears. it's so hard seeing my best friend so helpless and broken...
-
next day
Grayson
tomorrow, reina and i fly back to nevada. i'm so numb right now. i barely got any sleep last night. i heard reina throughout the night. she cried until she fell asleep. it broke me inside. knowing that she is hurting just as much as i am..
there's no denying that both our hearts are broken, or even shattered. i didn't speak at his funeral yesterday, i just couldn't bring myself to do it..that's why i admire rei for doing her speech. she's so fucking strong, even through all of this chaos and heartbreak, she still stands tall.
-
the thing about ethan is, he loved his family to the ends of the earth. but when it came rei, well, she was his world. and i have no doubt she felt the same way, if not more. i can't imagine losing the love of my life, but i know what it feels like losing someone you love so dearly. obviously. he was my brother and my best friend. he was the person i trusted most, but now that's all gone. i do have reina but it'll be different, and that's okay. because she is perfect. she's my best friend and i think im hers too...
anyway, i don't know where i was going with all of this...at this point im just getting lost in my thoughts and memories. sometimes i hope that this is all a dream and that i'm somehow in a deep sleep or weirdly enough, a coma, or something...i just need to wake up. but then i pinch myself, and it's all real. this is my new reality. a life with no brother. a life without my twin. a life i've never even thought about. a life i thought i'd never see....at least not yet.. i hate feeling this way...
anyhow, once reina and i get back to vegas, i'll have to re-pack, get on another plane, and head to LA. i have to check on my crew there, since everything here in jersey is going smooth. but for now, im gonna spend the rest of my time here with my family, hopefully it won't be a long time before i see them again. it slips my mind at how much i miss those clowns.
-
i head to the back yard, and go to the fresh dirt mound. where soon, ethan's headstone will be. i crouch to my knees, put my left hand on the cold dirt and say my final 'goodbye' to my brother. one. last. time.
even though we parted ways physically, we have yet separated spiritually.
fuck, i never realized just how hard and painful a simple word such as 'goodbye' would be.
"to my brother ethan, i'll forever cherish our memories, friendship, and bond. so until i see you again, put in a good word to the man upstairs for me, will ya? ha. i love you bro....g-goodbye." i quietly whisper as i wipe away my tear stained face...with that i get up, turn on my heel, and walk inside. not looking back.
the end.
-
_______________________________________
a/n: hey everyone, this chapter is a loooooong one. and unfortunately, it is the last chapter of this book. i know it's a short story...but i hope you all enjoyed it.💗
love you all, and thank you for supporting & reading 'Fragile'.
xoxo.
-turtle.
goodbye.
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