The Force That Binds Us

Chapter 2

Rey

I had become accustomed to sleepless nights, laying awake worrying over Deanna. I would stare at the ceiling, or watch Ben sleep - it made me envious that he could just lay there, calm and peaceful whilst unknown terrors threatened our daughter.

When I woke up, Deanna was crying loudly. I rolled over and groaned.

"Shh, shh." I looked up hearing cooing sounds. Ben was cradling Deanna in his arms. "I got you, sweetheart. Nothing's going to hurt you."

The world seemed to melt around me, as if I was seeing Ben for the first time. Two years ago, he never would have touched a child in love, Kylo Ren would have destroyed it. But now, he was Ben Solo, loving and tempered with both the light and the dark. Whilst I felt detached and isolated from the world - the agony of the past few months still raw in my veins.

I swung my legs over the bed and headed for the bathroom. I needed to shower, release the tense muscles of my body and relax. Meditation helped sometimes, others it would make matters worse.

As I stood under the scalding hot water, I realised just how much I missed my friends and my old life on Jakku. Of course, I was grateful to have luxury and leisure, but apart of me missed the simplicity of it all. And then there was Poe, Rose and Kerra. Finn I would never see again...

"Rey?"

My muscles were too sore to move, my entirety too fatigued and exhausted from sleepless nights. I continued to stand there, lifeless, as if the world was no longer spinning with me in it.

"Rey?" Ben's voice came again.

When I ignored him a third time, I felt the gentle touch of his hand on my shoulder. "Rey, look at me." He turned me around and my eyes stared at his naked chest. It had begun to glisten from the spray of shower water.

His fingers clasped at my chin and raised my eyes to his. It was as if I were seeing them for the first time. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Ben."

"There is noth--"

"I don't feel anything, Ben. I am empty and as mechanical as Artoo."

Ben looked at me earnestly and took my face in his hands, "You are not a machine, Rey. You are Rey Solo, the woman from Jakku who waited and survived, you are the woman who gave me life again, my wife, and the mother of our child."

Tears pricked at the edges of my eyes and hot tears streamed out. "That's just it, Ben. Child." I felt myself crumple to the tile floor of the shower, Ben coming with me. "It's been three months, and it still hurts like it was only yesterday. What did I do wrong?" I sobbed.

"You did nothing wrong."

I stared at Ben intensely. "How can you act as if it never happened?"

"I think about it everyday, Rey. He was my son too."

Ben

When I had visited the gardens yesterday and meditated, I wanted advice from my mother and uncle. I was reminded that to lose a child was agony, and I finally understood the turmoil that my mother and father went through. A cruel irony I guessed, but it was one Rey did not deserve.

"

But Deanna is alive and well, why not Ewan?" Rey cried into my shoulder.

I smoothed my hand over her wet her and cried with her, "I don't know, Rey. I don't know."

I couldn't tell you how long we sat there under the hot water. It was a long time for sure. By the time we did get out, our skin was pruned and Venus had found her way into the nursery.

My eyes trailed over to Rey. She was adjusting the crystal pendant I got her a year ago around her neck. Her lean skin was tanned and smooth still, not stretched or intoned. She was wearing a simple grey gown, it wasn't form fitting per se, but sinched at the waist and flowed down to her ankles. Her arm wraps were grey in tone also and her hair, which had now grown long past her shoulders, was left out and wavy.

"You're staring."

I blinked not realising I had let my eyes remain on Rey for too long. Blood flushed to my cheeks and I forced myself to look away from her blinding light, "Sorry."

"Do not be sorry." Rey said affectionately, "I enjoy the attention." She smiled. It was small and sorrowful, not how it used to be, beaming with the rays on the sun on her lips. No, this was sad and her force signature was blackened with woe. It was an abyss of turmoil, one I was struggling to bring her out of.

Rey

I sat on the hillside in the grass. It was a jubilant day to be outside, fresh like any other. Yet, I did not share in its joy - I would often stretch out my hand and feel the energies flowing through the planet. But my mind was preoccupied with Deanna, who sat in between my legs with her green bear called Yoghi. Venus was running around flying a kite in the sky; she and Ben had made it from parchment and old silks a couple weeks back. It was another form of entertainment.

I looked at Deanna, "Anyone would think I am over feeding you, Teedo." She looked at me confused, her chubby cheeks growing wide as she smiled and giggled. "I wonder what Leia would have to say about you, or Luke." I stroked her cheek lovingly and began to cry. "I wonder if your brother is with them or if he is simply apart of the ground now."

I carried on spewing my lament. I felt an intolerable lack of emotion inside me, yet, I was crying. I felt empty and I wanted to sleep. It was all I ever wanted to do. And I was never able to. My mind was running parsecs faster than my body and I just wanted to curl up and cease to exist.

But then I would look at Ben, Deanna and Venus. And across the galaxy there was Chewie, Poe and Rose. Kerra remained in the cottage or stayed here. I was surrounded by family and love. Wasn't that the most important thing and was it enough?