October 11, 2018
That sad feeling like what's happening between us has become a cycle that I'm getting tired of, but at the same time I can't get out of it. How can I when I don't even have the will..
One day, you're sweet and so sure of what you feel about me. Next, you're conversant but less sweet and 'let's just enjoy what we have' thing. And then the side that I hate and can't bear to ride is the time you ignore me. Completely. This is the time when you make me feel so unloved, uncared for, and insignificant. Sometimes, it even goes as long as a week.
This is also the time I wonder where did all those 'I love yous', 'miss na kita', 'gustong-gusto kita', 'asawa na kita', 'gusto na kitang makasama' go? Anyare? Bakit bigla wala na lang?
After being ignored for a long time, you finally decided to be sweet to me again. I received those messages that I missed a lot again. You were back to being caring. Yesterday, we even had a good talk. We were laughing together and you were making plans of visiting me at home and attending the mass together. I was like 'finally! He's back!'
I got so excited that I was more than willing of throwing all my plans for this weekend just to be with you. I wanna spend time with you, talk to you, hug you, and just simply be with you..
You have no idea how disappointed I feel everytime I hear you say, 'i-enjoy lang natin muna to'. You said it was for me because you knew from the start that I want to explore while I still can. But as time goes by, I can't help but to question that. Is it really for me.. Or for you?
You said so yourself that you weren't ready yet. You have no idea how I felt upon hearing that.. because I am. I am ready to commit myself to you. But tell me how am I gonna do that when you're not even sure that you'll catch me?
You always say you're sure about me but then your actions speak differently. Why do you keep on doing this to me?
If you like me, I mean if you really, truly feel something for me, show me. But if you're just in it for fun, then please just freaking say it straight to my face. I'd rather you hurt me with your words than stab my hurt with your half-baked efforts.. or should I say nonexistent effort?
We're too old for games. We're not high school students anymore. If you still wanna play then I'm afraid, I'm not up for it. I'm at the point of my life where I take things seriously. It's effort/action over words for me.
Please if you don't feel enough for me, then just hurt me with your honesty so that I can move on with my life. I will get hurt for sure, but at least I'll know what to do.
Some might say, I don't need to hear it because you show it anyway so I should just move on. But I do need to hear it. Because even if you show me you don't care, I will still hang around. You know why? I'm in it too deeply that I will believe your words stupidly even if they're just sweet lies.
Honestly, I'm hurt that you ignore me but it will just take one call or message from you to forget every I-will-forget-him spiel or decision of mine. So tell me, how do I get out of this cycle?
When my heart doesn't even want to..
