Cowboy Casanova

Chapter 26 (One Year Later)

"Gary." I warn. 

"Honey, it's been a year.... That's a respectable waiting time. You have needs, sweetie." He says. I get that he's trying to help me, but I just can't imagine going on a date now. 

"I'm fine going alone." I say. He rolls his eyes. 

"I'm not letting you go alone." He says. 

"Then you can come."

"I'll already be there. Plus, I can't walk down the red carpet with you, so..." He says. I can tell the wheels are turning in his head. "Ryan Gosling! Newly single, sensitive, rich. I can see it." He says. 

"Nooooooo." I say. The thought of dating an actor makes me nauseous. 

"Okay, what about Keith Urban?" 

"He's dating that Nicole chick." I say. 

"Damnit. Well what about-" 

"Hugh Heffner" I cut him off jokingly. He playfully frowns. "I'm fine going by myself. This won't be the first time I've done a red carpet alone." I say. He sighs and picks at his food.

It's Friday night, and I'm set to do a pre-interview for the special. I still haven't decided on the tribute. All of the other artists are singing one of his songs, so they can do a two part special. Part one being our own songs, and the second being a tribute. I mean, I guess I sort of have to sing something for him don't I? It would be inappropriate if I was the only person not to sing for him. 

"Hey Gary." I say. He turns around with a smile. "I'll do the tribute." I say. 

"Awesome!" He says clapping his hands together. "What song?" He asks. 

"I have one that he wrote for me." I say, digging through my bag for the song. He gives me a thumbs up and runs to tell the band. The interviewer comes in while he's gone. It's Katie Cook from CMT. 

"You look absolutely stunning!" She says. I smile, looking down at the black glittering dress I have on. I even look like a mourning woman. 

"Thank you! You too!" I say smiling. 

"Okay so, how have you been? I know this year have been a pretty crazy one." She says. I nod. 

"Um, yeah. I mean there's been a lot of major changes, definitely." 

"You've recently experienced the loss of your husband. I understand they are doing a tribute to him tonight."

"Yes they are. The girls are excited to see it." I say, sounding a little more reserved. 

"I know that must've been hard, especially with the miscarriage shortly after. How did you move on after that?" She asks. My chest tightens when I think about it. 

"I think I just thought about how I was all the girls had left, so I kind of put my big girl panties on and plowed through it. I mean, I'm still recovering from it all, but I don't think I could cope with it all if I didn't have those girls." I say, getting a little teary eyed. 

It's about time to go on, when I feel a chill. I pull on my cardigan while I go over the lyrics, but I still feel it. I walk over to the thermostat to see it's 78 degrees back here, so I shouldn't be feeling even cool. 

I can hear Trace Adkins singing Honky Tonk Badonkeydonk from my dressing room. God, I hate that song. Could it be more womanizing? I walk out of the dressing room to see all three of the girls dancing to it, and I can't help but smile. 

"Good luck Momma!" Audrey says, wrapping her arms around my legs. 

"Thank you baby." I say, brushing back her hair. Gary rushes me towards the stage. "Love you guys." I say to them. They all smile and repeat it back to me. I get up on stage right as Trace leaves. 

"Hello there Nashville!" I say to the electric crowd. This is only the third performance I've done since Tim. "Here's a new song off my album. This is Mississippi Girl." I say. I sing through the song, strutting the stage like a star. 

It's the final song of my set, meaning it's tribute time. Gary told me since he was closest to me, that I should do a monologue. I suck at making up speeches on the top of my head. I can't cry... or else everyone will look at me with pity...

"This next song was written by someone who just..." I can already feel the tears. "...who just means the world to me. He stood by my side through ten years of a fairy tale marriage." Total exaggeration. We argued and fought. We were in no sense a fairy tale couple, but we were so madly in love... "Sadly, he was taken away from us spring of last year. He was the best man I've ever known, the best father a woman could imagine, and the best husband I could've dreamed of." I say, tears beginning to roll down. So much for not crying. "So instead of just sitting here crying about it, I'm gonna sing the song he wrote for me before he passed. This is for you baby." an absolute cliche, but I have to play that part right now. 

"Is it obvious to you when you walk into a room, your face is all I see? And my heart races so fast, I never knew a rush to feel like that, everytime you're touching me. I never did believe in anything I couldn't hold between my fingers, but the way you make me feel. It's just so real the way it lingers" I cry out. If I am already this torn up, how am I supposed to make it through the rest of the song?

"I get lost, inside your stare. Lost, when you're not there, and everything I have doesn't mean a thing if it's without you. If it's a dream, don't wake me up, I'll scream, if this isn't love. If bein' lost means never knowin' how it feels without you, I wanna stay lost forever. I wanna stay lost forever.. with you." Suddenly, pictures of his eyes, lips, and smile start to appear in my head when I shut my eyes. I hear his laugh.

"No this feelin' doesn't end. It's with me everywhere I am. Hope it never goes away. It's like defying gravity. I'm losing all control in bein' free, and I always wanna stay. I never thought that I'd let go long enough to fall for someone deeply. Who had the power to erase my fears, and find me so completely." It's hard to breathe now. The words were meant for me. I found him so completely, I erased his fears... I sing the chorus, realizing I probably should've talked to my shrink before I did this.

"Don't tell me where we're goin', I don't wanna know. I like the mystery. I can't believe we've come this far, so far away from where we started off. You found me, when I wasn't lookin', you found me..." It's as if I feel him watching me. I keep looking over to the side of the stage, expecting to see him standing there smiling at me and rooting me on. Then he'd come out and we'd sing a duet, and fall in love all over again.

"And now I'm lost, inside your stare. Lost, when you're not there. And everything I have doesn't mean a thing if it's without you, without you... If it's a dream, don't wake me up. I'll scream, if this isn't love. If bein' lost means never knowin' how it feels without you... If being lost means that I'm never gonna be without you, I wanna stay lost forever... with you." I utter the last two words and begin to sob.

I'm alone... I'm alone on this stage, I'm alone in love, I'm alone in this world. I loved him, I gave him all of me, I trusted him.... now he's gone. Two gunshots... two pulls of a trigger... and he's gone...

So here I stand, in front of 70,000 people, alone, crying, and desperate.