she's in the rain | k.ws

TEN。

HANA

i didn't ever think that i would leave another house like how i leave my own. i walked for 10 minute helplessly. back to the park where i met woosung the previous day. i sat at the same usual spot where i always stayed at. usually, it would be after a fight with my parents.

this time, it was a fight with myself.

i stayed there for about 5 minutes until someone approached me. i thought it would be my saviour, like how woosung found me the previous day. but when i looked up, it was definitely my worst nightmare instead.

mother.

she grabbed me by my arm and pulled me along with her. she was taking me home, the one place where i didn't want to go.

after another 10 minutes of walking, we reached the apartment. when mother opened the door, she threw me inside. i fell to the floor and when i got back up, i saw father standing right infront of me, with a belt in his hand. despite having cancer, he was still a strong man. a strong man whom i feared for my life.

"who said you're allowed to talk to your mother like that? "i'm not your fucking toy." who the fuck gave you the permission to speak to her like that? huh? tell me!" he roared with anger. i find it funny, people always look up to their parents. the only time i look up to my parents is when i'm bleeding and lying on the floor, curling up into a ball, protecting myself with my hands and legs, while my parents towered over me like titans.

i feared them. i feared my parents.

the pain i used to feel from getting hurt by my parents hitting me grew into me. after years and years of them doing the same thing daily, i became immune to it. i felt special, i was different from people; being able to endure all the pain. but on second thought, if people were ever to find out about my story behind my ability, how would they really treat me?

after hitting me multiple times, i started to bleed, and my father started talking again. i didn't know where my mother went until i realised she was going in and out of my room to get my stuff out. they want me to leave.

and never ever come back.

"get the fuck out." my father said. i got to my feet and started getting more stuff from my room. i picked up my things from the floor where my mother had left it and exited the place which haunted me in my dreams.

i went back to the park. this was my only comfort zone for the time being. no place left to sleep, but at least i was away from my parents.

my arms were bleeding once again. dripping down to the bench.

the clouds started to turn grey and dark. silver linings of the clouds were now visible, and before i knew it, it started to rain.

all my belongings started to get wet - even the papers and worksheets and exam sheets in my school bag. but i couldn't be bothered. i took out something from my bag; something i bought a long time ago, probably 3 years ago, but never used it.

a metal razor blade.

i never wanted to use it. always thought that there was something out there in the future for me. something that would make me happy for the rest of my life. i only bought it just in case the time comes when there really is no one or nothing to make me happy. unfortunately, the time has come.

the rain was flowing down my face. it was an easy disguise for crying. no one was at the park so it was the perfect timing. the blood on my arms from the beating before i came to the park is now either being washed away or is slowly mixing with blood. an interesting sight.

i put the razor blade against my skin, and started sliding it across my skin, pressing it down hard enough that it would cut my veins.

one cut.

two cut.

multiple cuts.

but i didn't feel pain. at all.

i stopped after about 5 cuts on each arm. i wanted to give up on life right then and there. no one would care if i died in the first place.

i couldn't feel pain at all.

but why was i crying?