Atonement

P A R T O N E

Trigger Warning
This story contains suicide.

Blood everywhere. Staining the white tile, slowly seeping into the rug that lay close by. It still felt warm as it covered my hands, fingers slipping as they tried to unlock my phone.

You were supposed to call some number, right? The heavy throbbing in my ears was making it hard to think. I was panting for breath, my heart beating ever faster as if to remind me that his heart had beaten its last as he lay there on the ground.

They asked my name. I had a name didn't I? Tears blinded my eyes, and I pulled him close, paying no heed to the blood that now covered more than just my hands. It was everywhere, the heady scent suffocatingly close and inescapable.

They told me to stay on the line. They would be here soon. But I didn't want them here. Didn't want them to see him like this. Not like this.

She was asking me something, trying to keep me talking, but by now I was full on sobbing. He'd seemed so normal last night. A little distant perhaps, but nothing to make me suspect this...

His face was still warm to my touch. Everything about it was just as breathtaking as always, but the glassy look in his eyes crushed all hopes I might have of his ever waking up. He was well and truly gone, and I'd found him just a little too late.

Too little too late.

How could I have been so oblivious? Hadn't I always said that I loved him? And yet, he must have felt so desperately alone to have done something like this. Was I that callous? That blind that I couldn't see his plea for help?

Had I even wanted to help?

I woke with a start. The dream was so familiar by now that I shouldn't have been surprised at how real it felt. But, my god, it felt real. As real as when it happened.

I had woken up that night, the emptiness of the bed beside me somehow penetrating into my sub conscience. It had been a strange, unnaturally feeling, but now I woke up every night to that same coldness, that same empty loneliness. It had become normal to be alone. To wake up crying out to the man I hadn't cared enough for.

It was early. Much to early for getting ready for school, but I was used to it. I hardly slept anymore, my dreams too vivid to ignore.

I wanted to open my top drawer, and read the letter that I always kept there. Wanted to read through his reasons, and try to fathom what he must have been thinking. I wanted to see his writing again, feel like I still had a small part of him. But that was childish, and I had a life to live now. A life that I swore I wouldn't waste.

Ethan was waiting for me at the bus. Ethan, the only guy who knew exactly what happened. Who never let a day go by without talking to me. The only one who answered their phone in the middle of that horrible night.

"Hey, how did you sleep?"

"Same as usual." I shrugged.

He frowned, and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I used to hate shows of affection. Hated being touched or hugged, but now I leaned into his one armed hug, desperate for any sign that someone cared. Being left alone did things to you. It changed you in so many ways.

"What about you? How are you today?" You couldn't take things like that for granted. Just because he was smiling didn't mean he wasn't dying inside. Hadn't I learned that the hardest way possible?

"I'm good, Sean. I really am." He squeezed my shoulder a little tighter, and I nodded.

"I don't think I'm ready for test today. Was I crazy to do this?"

He looked over at me, eyes full of a sympathy I only could stand coming from him, because I knew he didn't just pity me. He was there for me, and that was the only thing that kept me sane.

"I don't think you are crazy. I think you are incredibly strong. It's only been three months. Hell, I think you're going to do better than me at this test, all things considered."

"I feel like I haven't really taken anything in these last few months. Did I even sit through all of those class, or was that just my imagination? My brain feels like mush right now."

"You'll do fine. And yes, continuing with your education was probably the best thing you could have done. You would have had way too much time on your hands to think about everything if you hadn't."

I nodded, but couldn't shake the feeling that I just wasn't prepared. Last nights dream was just too vivid. So much more real than it had been in the few nights before. I felt like an emotional wreck. Like I could cry at the smallest thing.

"Hey, it's okay." It didn't register to me that the tears that stung my eyes had fallen, until I felt his other arm wrap around me in a tight embrace.

"You can call in sick or something." His voice was soft, almost too gentle for a man, and he held me tightly, as if trying to keep my fragile heart from shattering once again.

"No. I want to go. Something is telling me that I need to go today."

"Whatever you say, but just tell me if it gets to be too much, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks, Ethan." He smiled, and brought his hands back down to his sides as the bus pulled up. I missed the protection of his embrace as soon as it was gone, and wondered how I'd gone for so long hating hugs.

Joshua was always affectionate, and hugged you more often then you wanted. My brain reminded me. You hated that, but he did it anyways. Why didn't you notice that he started to hug you so much less in those last few days? Why didn't you register the way he kissed you that night? Why did the finality of it only dawn on you when you stared down at his lifeless body?

I shook my head, trying to clear my mind from the never ending cycle of guilt that I'd been trapped in for months. The bus was already almost there. If I could just keep it together for a few more hours....There was time enough for falling apart when I got home.

I made sure to at least smile at the people who passed by. There were some that I usually talked to for a few minutes, but what with the snow and ice the bus had taken longer than usual to get here, and we were in a hurry to get to class.

Ethan used to wonder at how I could be smiling so much already, but I think he started to understand. I had to make this right somehow. I had to somehow 'make up' for my shortcomings.

We made it to class just in time. A few stragglers followed after us, but I'd say we cut it pretty close. I sat at my desk, trying to somehow bring my focus back for this test. It worked for about five minutes, before I lost focus again.

Indistinguishable letter swam before my eyes. I couldn't make sense of the test even if I tried. I kept seeing his face. No matter how many times I blinked, no matter how often I shook my head, I saw him there.

I rubbed my eyes. They felt dry and hot beneath my lids. My hands felt cold, but I was burning up. I could feel the sweat beginning to form on my forehead.

Staring down at the papers, I tried to make my brain understand. You know, if I let myself think about it, there really were warning signs that night.

I ran a hand through my hair, trying desperately to keep the memories away. Not here. Not now.

Ethan glanced over at me, frowning when he took on my appearance. I waved him off quickly, and after a moment longer, he looked back down at his work.

I gripped my head on both hands, but it was too late. My mind slipped back into the memory as if welcoming an old friend.