Remorse

Why do we need to let people go even if we love them? Why don’t we fight for our love for them? Why don’t we beg for them to stay?

Someone said this to me “If you beg for someone to stay, it’s not love anymore. It’s selfishness or worst, obsession.” And she’s right. Because why do you need to beg and force someone to stay when they don’t already wanted to?

Yan ang dahilan kung bakit ko siya pinakawalan, why did I let my ex-girlfriend go ng hindi man lang lumalaban. Hindi dahil hindi ko na siya mahal kundi dahil I’m not that horrible person to stop her in chasing her dreams.

Noong una hindi niya sinabi ang dahilan niya. Na kailangan niyang magfocus sa pag-aaral kasi siya lang ang inaasahan ng mama niya. But I asked her once again, she told me na wala na daw siyang feelings sakin. That is through chat. Yes, she broke up with me through chat.

Hindi ako nagreply. Tapos chat siya ng chat. She also called me many times pero hindi ko sinasagot. She even went to our house pero nalaman ko na pupunta siya kaya naggala ako that day. Two days na hindi ko siya kinausap. On the 3rd day, I answered her call. Gusto niyang makipagkita. Pumayag ako. Nagpaliwanag siya.

I just smiled and told her that I understand. She hugged me. But I know the reason, it’s about her ex. May feelings pa rin siya sa kanya that time.

She apologized. I told her that I understand her situation. After that, I walked away. Pero pagkatalikod ko, yung pakiramdam na parang nawala ako sa sarili, parang nakalutang and all you feel is the pain inside your chest.

Nawalan ako ng pakialam sa lahat. Uuwi ako sa bahay ng madaling araw, lasing. Araw-araw umiinom. I even tried marijuana. I also got piercings and tattoo. Para makalimutan ang sakit, nagbabakasakaling mawala ang sakit.

My mom once asked me, “Bakit ba naglalasing ka palagi? May problema ka ba nak?” Pero hindi ko siya sinagot. Tahimik lang ako.

Hindi ko na din tinapos ang pag-aaral ko. Undergraduate ako ng college. My life was very down and very high, down, high, down, high.

Hanggang sa natanggap ko na. But I still can’t move on. She’s not my first love because she’s what I dreamed to be my last. Ang babaeng gusto at pinangarap kong iharap sa altar balang araw.

Then one day, nagchat siya sa akin. Acronym. ISIY. I’m still into you. She’s drunk that time.

I replied, “Itulog mo na yan.”

She said, “Okay. Alam ko naman e. Galit ka pa rin sakin. Ayaw mo akong makausap, right?”

Seen.
Hindi ko na siya nireplyan.

Lagi niya akong pinapaaya sa kaibigan ko na kaibigan din niya. Kesyo sumama daw akong magswimming, mag jogging, she even invited me for a drink. But I refuse.

“Bakit ka ba umiiwas?” Tanong niya sa akin.

I answered her. “Tinatanong mo talaga sa akin yan? Mahal pa rin kita pero sa estado ko ngayon, sa tingin ko, kung mapagbibigyan ulit tayo ng chance, hindi na magwowork.”

After that, blinock ko na siya.

Bakit ako tumanggi gayong siya na ang lumalapit? Kasi magulo ang buhay ko that time, up until now. Three damn years have passed but I'm still messed up. Yes, I still love her and I want her back. But giving her a second chance is like giving her also another chance to fool me, another chance to hurt me.

Then one of our mutual friend, Melvin, told me, “Kuys, diba uuwi ka dito? Shot tayo nun ah? Kasama si Sheilla, okay lang?”

“Oo naman.” Sagot ko.