Dying to be thin

Research Project

I sat on my bed typing what would have to be the 1000th search with eating disorders. The words flying around through my brain like angry bees that didn't except their new queen.

"fasting.."

"binging and purging.."

"black coffee, no sugar.."

"excessive exercise.."

"restricting"

"what is going through these poor girls minds?" I ask myself as I continue to research for my assignment. My mind continues to flow as I think of how to put it all into my own words.

I'm taken out of my daze by the smell of Grace's homemade Sheppard's pie, the Salvia starts to flood in my mouth as I jump off my bed to go downstairs.

I walk into the kitchen and see her getting plates out of the cupboard to prepare dinner. Grace placed the plates on the counter and started serving it up.

"Hey, honey, how is the assignment going, have you thought of a topic to do yet? I know there are a range of choices to pick from in Mental health." I grab the cups and coke to place on the table. Swallowing hard to force the saliva down so I could speak.

"Yeah, it's good. I've actually picked a topic, I'm doing eating disorders in woman my age and their early 20s. It's pretty interesting actually, I didn't realize it was such a common thing."

"It is an interesting topic, but why are you only doing the disorder on women? Men also suffer from it you know." I watch as Grace grabs a plate to put in the fridge for mum.

"I know that. It's just more common in women than men. And, I don't know. I guess I just wanted to study it in a woman." I sit down and chug my coke, I feel as the fizz tickled my throat. Grace takes both the plates piled with pie and a mountain of Peas on the side and walks over to the table, it barely touches the table when I grab my fork to start eating.

"Okay, whatever you choose sweetheart. I know you will do good, what mental health topic is Hayley doing?" Grace sips out of her cup while staring at me. My throat goes dry as I try to swallow my food to answer. Grace hasn't mentioned her name since she caught her doing drugs in our bathroom, so this obviously caught me off guard.

I harshly swallow my food and feel it trying to go down my throat. I quickly grab my cup and drink the rest of my coke to unlodge the pie.

"She is doing her research topic on Depression and the effect of it in young teens and adults." I notice her look of surprise on her face which angers me slightly, I have known Hayley my whole life. She has always been a bright straight A student, And she knows that also.

"you know, Just because she did drugs doesn't mean she is a bad person," I say taking the anger out on my pie.

"I didn't say that," Grace says in a sarcastic tone which angered me more.

"It just surprises me that she thinks she is smart enough to study that and is dumb enough to take drugs." She adds as she continues eating.

I felt as my face started to turn red from the anger rising up inside of me. As hungry as I still was I had lost my appetite. I stand up and take my plate and cup to the sink.

"If you will excuse me, I'm full. I'm going to bed when mum gets home to tell her I said goodnight." I walk away trying to act like I wasn't bothered, like what she said didn't phase me, even though she knew she did, I didn't want to give her the satisfaction.

I find myself counting the steps it takes to get to my room like I always do when I'm upset or aggravated. As I reach my room I lock my door behind me and feel around for my cigarettes inside my pillowcase. Once grabbing them I get onto my bed and slowly open the large window. I grab the wall as I silently climb onto the roof into a comfortable position and light my cigarette. I only smoke when I'm angry or upset. And right now I think it's as good a time as any. As I'm drawing back my smoke I see headlights in the distance.

"Shit, it's mum" I quickly put out my cigarette and sneak back into my room onto my bed, I didn't want her to see me because she would know I was upset. And I didn't want them to fight, not tonight.

I Close the window and get into my pyjamas. As I'm putting on my pants I notice they won't slide past my ass. My throat goes tight and my stomach rumbles from only eating three forks full of dinner, I pull them off and get into bed making a mental note to buy larger pyjamas tomorrow after school. I feel my head spin and my eyes go heavy as I start to drift to sleep.

End of chapter 1