sunshine scripts

Do you...

Do you ever feel like just taking a gun and shooting yourself in the left eye?

Because living with my stupid ass family makes me feel like that.

See, I despise myself and they don't know that. Before you come at me, please understand that I am allowed to feel that way, because I just can't see it. In all essences, if I think I'm ugly and a burden to all, let me think that, because no one can change my mind as of yet.

I also don't want to exist.

But you can't do that without being dead, now can you? But I don't want to die either.

I just want to, be able to turn off life for a few days or weeks at a time and return refreshed, free of the stress that makes me want to die, and to a family where they wouldn't force things onto me.

But that's not possible.

My family is made up of highly religious human beings who judge what they don't know and don't like, and think that "I'm too young to be in pain/depressed/stressed/anxious/forgetful etc." But I'm stuck here with them. 

They have that mindset of '(Guardian) am doing you a favor providing the bare essentials.'

And that brings me to my anxiety with our next topic! (note snide enthusiasm)

They always want me to do better than everyone, in EVERYTHING! Even things that I know that I cannot do, no matter how hard I try.

When they want me to have All-A-Honour-Roll, and I get 1, 1 SING FUCKING B I get so fucking upset that i fucking cry!! 

I cry every fucking day because of my grades!!  MOTHER FUCKING GRADES!!  THINGS THAT SOMEHOW DICTATE THE LIFE OF AN AMERICAN TEENAGER BECAUSE THAT IS HOW THEIR VALUE TO THEIR FAMILY AND SOCIETY IS GODDAMN SET!!

I can't even begin on the irony of my Mum, saying in 'whatever career I choose she'll support me' when if I told her right now that I wanted to sing, or dance, or do any form of arts she'd get mad. Which, I want to do. But I also want to do Psychiatry, so nothing new there...

If grades didn't exist, I wouldn't be as anxious as I am now, because there is YET STILL my family's big ol' love of THEIR  saviour jesus fucking christ. This showing that if and when I tell them that I am pan-sexual, they will think that I am just "going through a phase" or just laugh it off as if it was the most hilarious fucking joke from the past three centuries!! 

You know how I know that? When I told them that I might have anxiety, all they did was laugh and say "You're too young to know what that is." and "If you're anxious, then what am I?" They legit downplayed it as teenage hormones.

My anxiety has caused me to develop a nerve issue called dystonia - a state of abnormal muscle tone resulting in muscular spasm and abnormal posture, typically due to neurological disease or a side effect of drug therapy. I know that because when I started shaking and could barely lift anything heavier than a milk jug, she took me to a neurologist, where I was prescribed my medication that I keep missing in doses because I do not like taking pills.

But she doesn't know that I get panic attacks.

If I feel like my family will: get mad, not like it, or anything remotely displeasing I feel like I am going to pass out. My heart races, my breathing is sporadic at best, and my vision lightens and darkens, dependent on surroundings.

So far my closest friends have said it takes me listening to Spring Day (brit. rock)and Don't Wanna Cry to help calm me down. Consecutively playing them.

She also doesn't know that I try to hurt myself.

There are other ways besides cutting, if you must know.

I had to promise my two extremely close friends I'd stop that.

So in lieu, I: starve myself (I eat at most two meals a day, if that much) make myself sick, or force my food down my throat if I have a full three meals and then proceed to throw it back up.

But my depression is what I really wanted to talk about.

Because I have to force myself to look happy around everyone, my depression turns into other emotions, the most prominent one being irrational anger that is very violent and dry.

Dry anger is bad for me.

If you don't know what dry anger is, it's basically when all hope of making up with the person who angered you is lost, your yelling and throwing, violence pursues you with a passion and your heart is stone.

Now for me, imagine that tenfold. I am always angry, just not as angry as other times,  and the new irrational version is dangerous to me in the sense whilst destroying one thing or throwing and the such, I am weak boned, strong and weak, so any day now I could drastically harm my hands or legs with how much force I put into it, or pull my shoulder out the socket if I fling something too harshly. But that also plays in with my internal health, because my heart is weak too, I do not do well with jump scares that I cannot predict. The anger gets too built up then it will eventually harm my heart.

So the only one I can turn too with my problems, who gets me because she goes through it too, goes to a different school and to see her, our parents' have to make plans during holidays. 

Her depression is worse and better than mine in a sense, because she can show it, but it makes her extremely unmotivated, so she can barely respond when I text her and she rarely answers when I call her.

I saw her and her twin yesterday, I speak to her sister on a daily basis, so yesterday was mostly my depressed friend.

So far I really just want to: overdose on my medicine, slit my wrists, or hang myself from my belt by throwing that piece of shit leather over my door and having it nosed around my neck slowly closing off my airways.

But my family and friends would be devastated, mostly friends.

The only reasons I'm still alive is: My social media followers, I have to finish writing my fan fictions, and my friends would be sad.

My friend and I made a promise that if she commit suicide, I would too and vice versa.

That's all for this chapter, I just hope that all of you are okey and not going through this.

++Don't you hate it when you tel someone you're sad and they reply with "Other people have it worse." That shit doesn't invalidate my emotions so you can't say that, Caroline!

I LOVE YOU ALL AND IF YOU EVER FEEL LIKE THIS, I'LL TAKE ON YOUR PROBLEMS SO YOU CAN TALK TO SOMEONE AND HAVE NO JUDGEMENT BECAUSE THE BEST ADVICE IS TO SOMETIMES JUST STAY SILENT AND LISTEN.