Mum, my depression is a shapeshifter
one day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
the next it's the bear
on those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone
I call the bad days ,,the dark days,,
Mum says, ,,try lighting candles,,
but when I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church
the flicker of a flame
sparks of a memory younger than noon
I am standing beside of her open casket
It is the moment I learn every person i ever come to know
will die someday!!
besides mum, I'm not afraid of the dark
perhaps that's part of the problem
mum says, ,,I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed,,
I can't!!
Anxiety holds me a hostage inside...
of my house, inside of my head
mum says, ,,where did anxiety come from?,,
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town
that depression felt obligated to invite to the party
Mum, I am the party!
only I am a party I don't want to be at
mum says, ,,why don't you try going to actual parties...see you friends.,,
sure I make plans, I make plans but I don't wanna go
I make plans because I know I should want to go ; I know...
sometimes I would have wanted to go
it's just not that fun, having fun when you don't want to have fun, mum
[....]
You see, mum, each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms,
dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
mum says, ,,try counting sheep,,
but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
so I go for walks.
[.....]
reminding me I am don't sleepwalking
on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in
mum says, ,,happy is a decision,,
but my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
my happy is a high fever that will break
mum says I am so good at making something out of nothing
and then if flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying
no, I am afraid of living!!!
mum I am lonely!!
I think I learned that when dad left,
how to turn anger into lonely, the lonely into busy
so whenI I say I've been super busy lately
I've been falling asleep watching SportCentre on the couch
to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
but my depression always drags me back to my bed
until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
the hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echos of a heartbeat
but I am just a careless tourist here
mum still doesn't understand
mum can't you see that neither can I !!!!!
