my many thoughts • poetry collection

XXII • l e s s o n

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i am constantly teaching myself a lesson inside my mind.

you are
failure, fat, worthless, stupid, insufficient, broken, out of control, disgusting, lost, unworthy

i used to believe that those were lies. but now i intentionally pull them from the depths of my insecurities and place them out in front of me like options. they are lenses for how i see myself. i have trained myself to say these things over and over again. every time i receive a compliment, a lie, i pull out the opposite feeling, the feeling of failure, disgust, unworthiness, and pound it into my brain; and so in response, i shake my head at you and deny your compliment.

im sorry. i don't know why i do this.

i have trained myself to suppress the joy and confidence i once had as a little girl. i am nothing but a mistake. and i am constantly writing that lesson into the folds of my mind.

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stay alive xx
-ru