Poker Face

Chapter 63 - What Happens Next

"I'll be back in a few days," he said when she didn't respond. "I'm gonna be back and forth. Communications are down since the midway outpost was destroyed but you're not fuckin' alone out here. And if you feel that way, feel like you don't have enough to fuckin' occupy your mind, make a god damn friend for once," he said playfully. She let out a small laugh against him; the idea sounded entirely undesirable. She liked being alone, even if it was currently doing a number on her mental health.

"You said you needed me to do stuff here?" she asked hopefully.

"Yeah, Simon won't be here for a few hours," he began. "DJ is setting up before Eugene and the rest of the workers get here so I need you on the radio to keep up with Dwight. I have him and his crew patrolling 24/7 but they're gonna need to make their way back to resupply. I figured you can do that from in here or find a spot to sit outside and get some air. I know you're feeling suffocated but please, for fuck's sake just sit and chill. Don't exert yourself and you'll feel much better much fuckin' sooner."

"I know, you're right," she sighed defeatedly.

"Do you?" he asked nervously, not wanting to insult her and make her angry again. "I mean...why did you fuckin' run out there yesterday? You could barely fuckin' walk by the time I got to you."

"I was worried about you," she replied, looking up him earnestly, their arms still wrapped around each other. "I make stupid fucking decisions when I'm worried about you. I mean, that's why I got out of the fucking car at Alexandria and if I hadn't done that-"

"Stop," he said gruffly, his voice interrupting her just before his lips did as he caught hers in a firm kiss. His hands slid up her body to cup either side of her face before he pulled away after a long moment. "It happened. You made a mistake. Too fuckin' bad. All that matters now is what happens next."

"But what could happen next probably puts you right back in danger," she breathed solemnly. "I hate it so fucking much. Every time something happens with those fucking pricks it feels like I'm about to lose you. It's just absolute dread. And after them, there could always be someone new trying to hurt you."

"I know, I'm sorry," he relented instead of telling her he'd be fine, which was his typical response. Clearly, though, it never made her feel any better. "I'm sorry I brought you into all this. If I'd known I was gonna fucking meet you and that this life would be so hard on you, I never would have..." He trailed off, surprised by what he was saying, although it was something he'd been thinking for days now.

"What?" Aven asked, furrowing her brow at his unsettled demeanor.

"I wouldn't have fuckin' done all this," he admitted, looking into her eyes almost helplessly. "The Saviors, the Sanctuary, the other fucking communities. You're all I fucking care about and now the life I built for myself is putting all I fucking care about in jeopardy."

"It doesn't help that you're the sole leader," Aven replied, pulling away slightly so she didn't have to crane her neck and agitate her stitches to look up at him. "That your name is the one everyone goes by, the name every enemy hears first are foremost. You're an open target, not to mention you have too much on your plate."

"Well...what would you suggest to change that?" he asked genuinely, lost for any way to make theirs a life he wanted for her.

"I don't know..." she began hesitantly. "I know all this is what you wanted but even regardless of the things you know I disagree with, I don't think you should have all the power, for your own sake. If you had, I don't know, two or three people that shared just as much power then you wouldn't be in as much danger and people wouldn't perceive you as an all-encompassing threat that needs to be taken out."

"But that's the whole point," he argued. "An all-encompassing threat." She looked at him earnestly and only shrugged and shook her head. It was the only suggestion she had at the moment.

"I always thought this would be my life until I die. The Saviors were supposed to be a lifelong commitment."

"Is that not the case?" she asked confusedly.

"I...I don't fucking know," he sighed, growing anxious with his inability to pin down his own thoughts. "I have a new lifelong commitment and it's more important. If I could just...fuck, I don't fucking know."

"What are you trying to say?" she coaxed curiously.

"I don't want this anymore," he finally admitted, the words surprising both of them. "If I could just hand the reins over I would but so many fucking people depend on me for dear fucking life now. Simon and Regina are too hot-headed to lead and Gavin isn't much of a leader either, definitely not Dwight. There's no one to take over."

"This is a lot to take in," Aven breathed, thinking of the possibility of a more peaceful life with just the two of them, "but if you really wanted to move on from all this there's a way to do it."

"How?"

"I mean, we can't just cut and run. It would take a while," she began thoughtfully, pulling away to sit on the bed and leaning back on her hands. "You'd have to either start identifying and priming people to take the lead or wait for someone new to come along. It would have to be a gradual transition."

"Boss, we're ready to move out," said a voice crackling over the radio.

"Stay ready," he replied. "I'll be there soon." He clipped the radio back on his belt and let out a long sigh as he gazed lovingly but sadly down at Aven.

"I guess this is a conversation for another time," he said. "We need to focus on the present. I can't think about leaving until my people are safe." He pulled another radio from the top of Aven's bag and turned it on, bringing it up to his lips and holding the button down. "Dwight, update?" he asked.

"All clear from all directions," Dwight's voice came through after a moment.

"I'm heading back to the Sanctuary and handing the walkie over to Aven. Can you two fuckin' behave?" He asked it to Aven as much as he was asking Dwight. Aven rolled her eyes and nodded; Dwight was doing an important job and she was mature enough not to hinder it.

"Of course," Dwight answered confidently. "Working towards the same thing. We'll be fine."

"Atta boy, D," Negan grinned before handing the radio to Aven. "Real fuckin' professional of him, right?" he asked playfully as though to make the point that he was right all along to trust Dwight.

"Eh, he gets the job done," she retorted.

They had one last long moment in each other's arms, kissing and caressing each other sweetly like he was a sailor about to go off to war. He basically was. They were interrupted again by the Saviors ready to move out and had to pry themselves away from each other. They walked back outside together and lingered by one of the trucks.

"I'll see you in a few days, doll," he hummed, pulling her into another hug. "I told Simon you're having a rough recovery and he won't give you any shit. Talk to him if you need anything."

"Be safe," she murmured, gazing up at him with tears again pooling in her eyes. "Please be careful."

"Ain't nothin' gonna fuckin' happen to me, doll," he growled with his signature grin, forcing a familiar sparkle in his eye to reassure her. "You just worry about getting better. And then maybe start thinking about what happens next."

~
The world I love, the tears I drop
to be part of the wave, can't stop
Ever wonder if it's all for you?

The world I love, the trains I hop
to be part of the wave, can't stop
Come and tell me when it's time to
~