INT. KINGSMEN BRIEFING ROOM
A grief-stricken TARON heads in to see MICHAEL.
MICHAEL CAINE
H
ang on, you failed out of the program, how come you still have access to the nerve centre of our operation? Don't we have passcodes or keycards or anything?
TARON EGERTON
O
h please, your innocent-seeming tailor’s shop in London has a hidden weapons room that you access by pulling down on a fucking coat hook. For a secret service you suck at security.
MICHAEL pours them both a DRINK, but then TARON notices MICHAEL has a SCAR BEHIND ONE EAR, meaning he has one of SAMUEL’S EXPLODING HEAD IMPLANTS and is a BAD GUY.
TARON EGERTON
U
h oh! Um - say Michael, LOOK OVER THERE!
(switches drinks)
MICHAEL CAINE
H
oly shit, do I actually fall for that? I really have no business being a spy, do I?
TARON EGERTON
O
h well, since you’re secure in the knowledge that I and not you will die of poisoning, you might as well explain Samuel’s evil plan, right?
MICHAEL CAINE
W
hy not. These head implants make us immune to Samuel’s rage phones, so we’ll survive when he makes everybody kill each other. He’s convinced lots of world leaders, celebrities and other rich people to get them. Instead of killing the ones who didn’t go along, he simply kidnapped them, because in the aftermath he’ll need a lot of beloved and respected faces... as well as, apparently, the obnoxious racist idiot Iggy Azalea.
TARON EGERTON
T
hese important people are all going along with Samuel’s insane genocide plot? How the fuck did he manage that?
MICHAEL CAINE
H
e just pointed out that global warming is when the world gets hot, and a virus is when a person gets hot, so people are like a virus, and we need fewer of them.
(pause)
No seriously, that’s basically it. That’s all he needed to say to convince people like the American president and the queen of England to help murder billions of people.
TARON EGERTON
W
ow, this fictional world is populated entirely by gullible idiots! Just drop dead already you useless moron.
MICHAEL CAINE
(
dies)
TARON gets together SOPHIE and MARK and tells them about SAMUEL’S PLAN.
TARON EGERTON
F
ortunately Michael’s phone has a big convenient readout on it stating the exact time of the attack and Samuel’s exact location when it happens. We need to send all the Kingsmen there to stop him!
MARK STRONG
N
o, it’ll have to just be us. We have no way of knowing who else Samuel has won over to his cause!
TARON EGERTON
U
m, yes we do. They’d have that same noticeable scar that tipped me off about-
MARK STRONG
(
amnesia-darts Taron)
Let’s go!
They get on a PLANE and fly off towards SAMUEL’S BASE. On the way they discuss their PLAN.
MARK STRONG
T
aron, you head in and get me connected to Samuel’s computer so I can take control of it. Incidentally, that’s the same computer he uses to blow up the heads of anyone who tries to squeal about his evil plot.
TARON EGERTON
A
h, so once you’ve hacked his computer you’ll be able to-
MARK STRONG
S
hhh! The audience may have seen the obvious connection, but we’re not allowed to until the last possible moment. Sophie, you’ll buy us some time by flying a ridiculous balloon-mounted missile launcher into the upper atmosphere and destroying one of Samuel’s satellites.
SOPHIE COOKSON
S
ay, here’s a thought: since I have a fear of heights and Samuel knows what Taron looks like, maybe HE could take the flying job, and I could infiltrate the evil lair? You know, give that more important job to the ACTUAL KINGSMAN?
TARON EGERTON
I
'm sorry, who here is wearing the Protagonist Pants?
SOPHIE COOKSON
(
sighs)
You are.
