My Depressed Happy Stressful Delightful Life

00:35

I really wanna get some sleep. Tomorrow I'll have to wake up early and go to theother states for my sister's follow up.

I'm actually sleepy.

This week has been good. Real good.
But this evening, it just got to ruin my nice week huh?

The moment when your parents found out your final's result. Lol. I know for some people it's just a result and parents will let it go sometimes sooner or later. But for some, like me, it doesn't feel right. I feel sick. I don't know why the feelings, the anxiety that I'd managed to fight come right back at me.
All of them.

I couldn't sleep because of it. I had a habit of writing once upon a time. But after all my books got burnt by my beloved mother, dreams to be an author just poof! It also burnt into ashes.

So after a few years I stopped writing, this story title is the minute where my hands just keep typing and typing about all my feeling. So excuse me for the mistypes, misspelled and all.

What I'm trying to convey right now is about my feelings. My mixed up feelings. I don't know how to cope with this. I have scars. That live within me. Inside and outside. These days, I found myself trying to hide my arms whenever my sleeves rolled up without me knowing.

Sometimes when I'm just sitting alone and I thought to myself, I'm proud of myself. I somehow made out of that phase. But right now, right at this moment, I'm encountering with my old self again. My devilish side.

The old me that wants to cut to feel better. I was thinking just now, if I would cut again and just feel the blood dripping from my arms. Oh my... it's so tempting!

If anyone reading this know how to cope without cutting, I would love if you would leave comment for tips. Thank you so much.

I want to sleep. But whenever I shut my eyes, reality hits me so hard that I have to keep my eyes open. It tires me. Making me feel restless.

Well... I will just keep typing until I sleep then . Hope I'm awake enough to post before I sleep.

Do you know, trying to forget someone is so damn hard! I don't know it would be this hard. By the way, forgetting someone has nothing to do with the comeback of my anxiety ok? Hehe~

I don't know anymore. I mixed everything up. I'm sorry. I just want to also tell people about my crush. I loved a guy. Love maybe... I mean, I think I'm still not over him yet. But, he loves his girlfriend (of course). He said he loves me before, but nowadays he doesn't even bother to text me "Hi". It went downhill since I don't know when. It hurts me at first. So I tried to cure it by making myself a boyfriend.

I have a guy friend that I've known since 2 years ago. I tried to text him exactly like I text the guy that I love. Eventually, we actually got together. But today, I felt different. I miss him. My so-called-boyfriend couldn't replace him. I realized.

It hurts. Yea.. now that I think back about my anxiety, the reason for my jealousy of the guy that I love would also be added to the cause of my anxiety.

I feel the sleepiness is so frickin' heavy right now. Good night ❤

In my head right now is 'Halluscinating' - Elohim