My Depressed Happy Stressful Delightful Life

1:15

This evening was good. Real good.
I was at the backyard and the breeze and sun was all good. I felt like I don't have any problems. I felt like I was back in the days where I was kid I used to stay at backyard and just stared blankly to the skies and trees. I felt the memories when I was a kid coming back at me.

I just thought, how did I even get here? How did I go through the suicidal phase? I just kept on thinking, only yesterday, I wanted to kill myself and I just thought about running away. How did I turn 20? How did the old me fight the demons haunted us before? Just how?

The feelings that I was having, they weren't really gonna come back huh? Because I also thought to myself, my parents are getting older. I am getting older. Just thinking about my parents make me wanna scream and just say I am sorry! I am sorry for everything I've put you through. Just every single thing that I did, always, always make you both unhappy. I am a dissappointment. I am. How I wish I can take every sadness away from you... How I wish you both never yelled at me with 'those' words... I deserved every bad words in this world. But I was already dead the day you both hate me. I don't know if there is any piece of me left, I broke your hearts. I broke both of you. And I broke myself.

I started to cut when I was 15 years old. I started to have the urge of hurting myself when I was 11 years old. I tried to fall down the stairs that year. But it failed terribly. I wanted to fall until I hurt or bleed my head so that people can see. Yes. That's me. The attention seeker. But instead, I fell slowly and hard which I hurt my body instead. Nobody can see any bruises. After that event, I hate myself so much because I couldn't do anything right.

I did fell into the drain that year. And hurt my left leg so bad that I actually bled until the next day. That was one embarrassing moment as I was trying to stalk the boy that I had a crush on and accidentally, fell into the drain. Luckily, the boy didn't see a thing.

I started to cut when I was 15 because I wanted to try. Well I was still an attention seeker that time. And I kept on cutting on both my arms. Without knowing, I kept a distance with my family eventually. When I was 16, I started to bring the habit to school. I became addicted to cutting and even cut on my shoulders, my tummy, my breasts, and my thighs. I just wanted to keep all the scars. So I made them deeper. My best friend reminded me that I was doing worse than the year before. I was looking for blood instead. When I cut, I won't stop until I bleed. And then come the next year...

I was 17. My studies got worse that one particular month which made the counselor called my Mom to school. And everything went downhill. I was trying to distract myself from the reality and yes, without conscience again, I made new problems. And the worst part of it was that it involved men. I started to meet with stranger. And did horrible things. That's why I regret so much and wanted to make my parents happy...

But I failed. I'm just always... I don't know... I am so bad in being a good person.

In my head right now All I've Ever Known - Bahamas