In the Woods When First We Met

98. House of Secrets

She wouldn't know about that stuff unless she was putting out. What I did to her was nothing she hasn't done before, probably a hundred times.

As Jane lay in bed, she thought about this. Was doing that to a girl who had never engaged in such things worse than doing it to a girl who had? Jane thought it probably was. After all, if a girl had already done that before, then doing it again wouldn't change her status in any way, she decided.

But a small voice in Jane's inner consciousness told her that she was wrong. Even if Anne had done it a hundred times, each of those hundred times would have been on Anne's terms...and while it disgusted Jane to think of Anne wanting to do those things with boys at her age- and without even being married- she knew in her heart that it was even more disgusting to have it happen to you when you didn't want it.

Jane didn't know much about intimate relations, but she that knew married couples did it. And when you get married, it's because you fell in love. And if you were in love, everything was different, wasn't it? ...But intimate relations between two people who hated each other, with one of them stronger than the other and who wouldn't let up, while the other one had probably cried and begged to be left alone...that was not love, that was...

...that was...

......Scary.

She shuddered at the thought. As if it wasn't enough that Billy had done that to Anne, he'd flat out admitted that he wanted it to be painful.

Jane's mind was reeling with unpleasant thoughts. Very adult thoughts, ones that she didn't feel ready to face.

Mr. Phillips is taking advantage of Prissy. She's a student. He's kissing her and making her think she's in love with him. And maybe she is...but how would she know? ...I don't think I'll ever look at Mr. Phillips the same way again. He's my teacher but I can't possibly have any respect for him now.

And Billy...what can I even call that? Is it still intimate relations, even if Anne didn't have any say in it? Well, the act was...the same. What they had done, it was...the same. It's still intimate relations, regardless, but...but he forced her to engage in it, and makes it different, doesn't it?

I can't talk about these things with anyone, she thought. It's too embarrassing, and anyway, I...I don't even know what to think about them yet.

She finally drifted off. It wasn't easy to fall asleep in a house full of secrets.