In the Woods When First We Met

85. Strengthening a Bond

Her talk with the reverend not helping her in the slightest, Anne decided to try to forget about church and focus on what she could accomplish on her own- her grades. She was happy on Monday morning when last week's geography tests were handed back and hers was marked with a 100.

Gilbert got a 100, too. Gilbert hadn't asked Anne about communion on the way to school. As they walked together in the morning, he debated whether he should ask her about it at all, because he thought communion was a person's own private business and he didn't know if he should pry. But he really wanted to ask her about it, and so he decided he might ask on the way home from school, if he was able to bring it up as conversation and not as an ambush.

His opportunity came easily as they walked home that afternoon, when Anne said, "I'm glad Billy left me alone today. Made the day easier, that's for sure, not having to look at his ugly looming face." She kicked the snow with her boots.

Gilbert nodded. "Me, too. I wasn't sure what he was trying to do last week, approaching you like that. ...I'm sorry I wasn't with you."

Anne looked at him. "You can't be by my side every moment. I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with Billy myself. I've got to stand up to him. Make him see that I can't be intimidated." Then she changed topics and said, "What did you say to him yesterday? I saw you go up to him as church was letting out."

"Oh, uh..." Gilbert hesitated, not sure if he should let her in on what he'd said. He decided not to. "I was just telling him he was childish, making fun of the choir. That's all."

"He looked really mad."

"Yeah, well..." Gilbert trailed off. Then he said, "Anne, can I ask you a personal question?"

Anne was long past feeling any awkwardness over personal matters when it came to Gilbert. After everything they'd gone through, she couldn't imagine any subject being taboo. "What is it?" she asked.

"Why didn't you take communion? In church? I noticed you didn't."

"Oh," she said, stopping in her tracks.

"I'm sorry," Gilbert said quickly, shaking his head. "It's not right for me to ask you that. It's none of my business."

"No," Anne said. "It's fine."

She began walking again. Gilbert followed.

She didn't say anything for a moment, and then- "I can't do it," she whispered.

"Can't take communion? Why not?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. "I didn't mean I can't take communion."

"Then what...what can't you do?" Gilbert asked, looking over at her.

Anne stared straight ahead, her gaze unfocused. "I can't forgive him."

She turned and looked at Gilbert. "Now I won't go to heaven."

She looked up into the gray, wintery sky. "And you don't know how I've imagined what heaven is like!"

She frowned. "I hope hell isn't like what I've imagined. If it is, hell will be a terribly, terribly desolate place...with...with pits of fire and-"

Gilbert interrupted her: "So first Billy caused you to have no chance at having a husband, and now he's keeping you out of heaven, too? ...Wow, I never knew Billy had so much power."

"He isn't keeping me out of heaven, God is!" Anne snapped at him, not appreciating the way he had just spoken to her. "And if I could be good- heavenly, angelically good- then I wouldn't worry. But I know I can't be. I try ever so hard to be quiet and sweet tempered and patient and loving. But I know I make mistakes every day. And every day is a chance to start over, but I always foul something up by sundown!"