Ask Me ..... How i know there's a God up in the heavens!

Chapter 20 - No Man's Land

I started to walk as my mind visited the last dream I just awoken from. I was very troubled by it's ending and the final scene. It all seemed stuck in my memory; a very human portrayal of the Divine that bordered on erotic, or at least erotic for me. I paused a minute to rub the shame out of my blushing face. I didn't want to go through this again. I determined as I could feel the disdain growing in my soul. I wanted to scream as I fought with the urge to slap my own face. I knew that ultimately did me no good, although I had no trouble admitting that it made me feel better; but if only temporarily. I tried not to think about it as I told myself to keep walking, but was finally so full of hatred, that I gave up and plopped down in the field, to indulge myself in several minutes of self abusive brutality.

I finally sat up, exhausted from my own deluge as I looked around to make sure no one saw me. I was well hidden in the grass and there was not a soul in my immediate sight, so I figured I'd successfully concealed my crime. What do I do now? I wondered as I struggled to stand up. It seemed pointless to return to the house now. I was too mortified by the thoughts of facing anyone; not that I felt they'd ever care to see me again anyways. Maybe I'll get lucky and some accident will end my pathetic life once and for all. I wailed

My sobbing eventually subsided and the vicious cycle of negative thoughts begin their descent. I probably would not be fortunate enough to just get run over by a chariot or have some stray arrow strike me dead; no, I'd probably be raped and tortured before some sadist finally snuffed me out for good. I started to laugh with morbid cynicism, as I struggled to climb up the embarkment to the road. I started to walk, wondering how long it would take me to gather the courage to return to the house; after all, I realized there really wasn't much else I could do.

I let out a sigh as the events of the previous day floated through my mind. All the time I'd spent following Jesus through the streets of several strange (or at least strange to me) towns; eating at the 'diner' and riding the camel. All this and He didn't tell me to get lost, or anything like that. I started to ponder. Maybe He has more interest in me than just marginal tolerance? Either way, I guess if He really didn't like me - I'd know that by now. I let out a chuckle, as I thought of all the Bible passages I'd read where the Pharisees or some such like religious leaders got a new 'hole' ripped for them. So - well, maybe there is some hope for me; or at least will be in the end?

I peered up at the clouds reflecting not only about the past, but the future. I started to feel badly as I thought about how Judas would actually come to regret what he did and end up hanging himself for the guilt he felt in stealing an innocent man's life. My brother on the other hand, was in more hopeless peril, since he really didn't seem to have any remorse for what he'd done. Oh yeah, he claimed he was sorry; but really only sorry he got caught. I recollected as vague memories of someone telling one of my doctors that my brother really thought this was normal behavior.

How is that? The voices screamed in my head.

"it's impossible to avoid that offenses will come, but woe to him who causes them. It would be better for him if a millstone were hanged around his neck and he was thrown into the sea, than if he causes one of these little ones to stumble." The verse kept skipping through my mind. Stumble yeah, I've stumbled alright. I admitted to myself as I followed the trail I'd left in the field. I've stumbled all my life. I let out a sigh as I came up to another road. God I really need Your help. I began to cry again as I looked up and down, trying to decide which way to go. All this weight that's bore down on my soul these so many years. I know I need Your forgiveness too. Beyond the theological parroting of why and how though; I have to confess that I don't really understand any of this.

I stood at the edge of the road as my mind continued to wander. Yes, I've had a lot of goofy dreams (along with a few more to add to now) that I was terribly ashamed of, which had a certain person in them, (who I didn't understand very well). Yet I knew I was attracted to; although not particularly out of appearance (for He wasn't of the prime specimens of male humanity to behold) but maybe simply because of the promise He held. Even though I felt badly about these dreams and all; I knew logically speaking, they weren't really a big deal. It was just my imagination. Nothing really happened and it's not like I have a whole lot of control over what I dream about anyways; so?