Going off into the Deep End

Long Curvy Roads Lead You Nowhere

"Who is next in line for medication?" Droned the tired looking lady behind the medicine counter. Looking up impatiently waiting for the next kid to step forward. Suddenly nobody else was in front of me and I had to go up front to meet her icy gaze.
"Name?" She asked lazily, holding a small paper cup filled with white pills.
        "Evanora Kingsley," I could feel the nerves twisting my stomach, like a contortionist.
         "Evanora," the woman looked up at me sadly and quietly spoke again, "you don't currently have any pills to take due to your circumstances of being brought to Bluttony today. I am quiet sorry dear." Then just as quickly as she addressed me she moved on, "who is next for medication?"

~
April 25
        Back in April, five days before my 17th birthday I sat in bed with Raven Everly. Raven had been my best friend since sixth grade, we were practically connected at the hip. I could not wait for my party that weekend. Which is why we were planning all the last minute details together, until she received a text. Raven quickly got up saying she had to leave, something with her mom. Knowing her mom was extremely ill at the time I understood and told Raven to text me later to let me know everything was alright.
          I waited all night to hear from Raven, nothing. Thinking the worst as I usually did, I rushed over to her house. Knocking on the door waiting for Raven to answer, but instead I was met with an all too familiar grin. My stomach wrenched as I looked up at my ex-boyfriend. I couldn't even get the words out, even though I had a million questions.
        An invisible hand engulfed my lungs. Making each breath more labored and ragged than the last. My brain was dizzy and my vision foggy. I knew I was having one of the worst panic attacks of my life. Faintly, I could hear my name being called but I couldn't respond. The last thing I remember is falling in slow motion. Watching Raven in a foggy, blurred haze reaching out for me, and then blackness.
        Everything felt peaceful for awhile, a calm silence fell over me. As I floated along in the black unaware of what was happening around me. I was stuck in my head as it spun. Behind my eyelids flashed the images of him and then Raven standing beside him as I fell. Then my mind was spinning fast like a merry go round wanting to fly off its hinges. Why was Oliver, my Oliver, at Raven's house? Wasn't her mom sick? Did she lie to me so she could leave to go see him? And then I couldn't even see inside my head anymore everything went blank.

~

      When I finally woke up I realized I was laying in Raven's bed. Raven was nowhere in sight, but I could hear faint voices in the hallway.
       "R..Raven," my voice came out faint and raspy.
       Raven practically ran into the room, closely followed by Oliver. "Eva! Are you okay? Do you need any water?" Raven asked sounding shrill, while trying to hand me a water bottle.
         I took the water bottle with my shaky hands but I couldn't get the cap off. Oliver reached over to try and help but as soon as his hand brushed mine I snapped my hands away from him. He looked down at his feet shifting his weight awkwardly. There was so much tension in the room and all I wanted was to go home. But I needed to know why he was there first.
        "Why is Oliver in your house Raven," surprisingly my voice came out steady. I looked between the two waiting for an answer. Hoping there was a good explanation that didn't break my already fragile heart.
         "Eva...I...I," Raven started but Oliver interjected.
           "I was helping her with her History project." He answered so sure of himself. Until he lifted his left eyebrow almost as if he was questioning his own lie. I had dated him for a little over a year I knew when he was lying.
           "The real reason," I scoffed. Almost as if I couldn't believe Raven was about to let Oliver lie to me, her best friend. Looking at Raven I could see her eyes gloss over with tears. Knowing the answer couldn't have been anything good I took it as my time to leave.
          "Since neither of you seem to want to tell me the truth I should just leave. I'll let you two bathe in your lies a little more and just think about the friendship you ruined. Since sixth grade and you want to throw it away for a guy like him. Five days before my birthday too. Looks like you two really are made for each other a liar and a cheat. Raven did your mom even need you today or did you lie to me about that too." I stood up from Raven's bed, grabbed my keys, and headed down the stairs.
         "Eva, wait please," Raven looked at me pleading.
          "Wait for what Raven for you to lie to me again. Or for you to go after another one of my exes. I wouldn't have cared if you had at least asked it's just the nice thing to do. Goodbye, and don't bother showing up to my birthday either." I turned on my heel and walked out her front door. Leaving Oliver and Raven slack jawed behind me.
         I kept my composer while leaving, but as soon as I got into my car I began to sob. Salty tears streamed down my face, falling into my lap. As I drove home street lamps blurred in my vision. Realizing I officially had nobody. Since the only people that come to my birthdays are my family members and Raven. But now I didn't even have Raven and that just made me cry harder.
        By the time I pulled into my drive way my jeans were damp with my tears. Tearing my key out of the ignition I stumbled up the front lawn, barely making it inside. It was like I was intoxicated with hatred. Hatred for myself. I knew I had issues everyone always told me. That's why I had no other friends at school. Why I never felt like I could hang out with anyone else. Why Oliver left me and was now with Raven. And why my mother avoided me.              
         I was tired of being the victim and tired of not being able to handle my emotions. It was like a rollercoaster and not a good one. With each new twist and turn is a new emotion, each harder to deal with than the last. I finally decided to make my own decisions and do something good for myself. I knew this action would be permanent but I would hurt less. I wouldn't always feel worthless and second best.

~

         Slowly, I got up from the cold tiled floor in the foyer, and walked to my bathroom. Taking each step down carefully, descending to the basement. I reached the landing and I couldn't think about my decision any longer. It just had to be done. My mind went blank and the next thing I knew I was looking at myself in my bathroom mirror. Gripping the porcelain sink, fogging up the edge of the mirror with my ragged breath. Looking at myself I laughed, I looked fucking crazy. I almost couldn't recognize myself.
       My caramel skin had paled to a shade almost as white as the porcelain. Sweat plastered my dark brown locks against my forehead. As my hazel eyes stared back at me, blood shot from the tears. Freckles peeked out from behind smeared foundation and concealer. My pink lips chapped, absentmindedly I licked them. Finally, looking away from my distorted reflection. I sighed wondering who I had become over the past three years.
        I opened up the medicine cabinet and took out the aspirin. Counting out each pill aloud, one by one. Laying them in a neat row along the sinks edge. 32 little pills in total. I figured I'd take them four at a time. My head was pounding and the sooner I took them the sooner it would all be over. Eight times I swallowed each time getting closer to my end goal. I pushed myself away from the sink and stumbled to my bed. Everything started to go hazy after 30 minutes. Then after 50 I heard the front door open, it sounded as though it was a miles away. I heard my mom say my name. Followed by footsteps, I felt her touch my shoulder softly still saying my name. Then the quiet nature of her voice faded and I could hear the panic when I knew she saw it. I had forgotten to throw the pill bottle away, it still laid in my firm grasp. For the second time that night everything went black.

  ~

         
         The first thing I noticed was the smell. Alcohol wipes and disinfectant spray, I could only guess that I was in the hospital. Hopefully, soon enough I would be out of here. I hated the hospital, it reminded me of death. But now it reminded me of the fact that I had been so close yet I hadn't acquired it. All I could imagine is that yet again I had let my mom down. She had to come home and see me like that. It seemed as if all I ever did was hurt everyone I loved.
        I opened my eyes and was met with glaringly bright lights. Forcing me to shut them again.
         "Fuck," I whispered under my breath. My head was pounding again and I felt like I was going to throw up. Quickly I opened my eyes, scanning the room for a bucket of some sort. But the movement was too much and I heaved myself over the side railing of the stretcher and threw up. The emergency room doctor and my mother rushed in at the sound of the commotion.
         "I'm sorry I...um..I," but the doctor cut my off.
          "It's alright Evanora, we are just glad that you are awake and hopefully that got some of the pills out of your system." He smiled a toothy smile.
         "How are you feeling?" My mother came to my side, grabbing my clammy hands in her own.
          "A bit nauseas but I think I'm okay. Do you know when we can go home?" I looked up at my mother who looked down at her feet at the word home.
          "Well you can't go home just yet. The doctor says he is going to refer you to an inpatient facility about two hours away. I promise to visit as much as I can and he said that I am allowed to drive you up." She finally met my gaze and I saw a tear slip from the corner of her eye.
           "Oh," is all I could muster and I squeezed my mother's hand tighter. Trying to let her know I loved her without having to say it. I felt like if I said anything else I'd burst into tears. There was that ever present lump at the back of my throat and the stinging of tears behind my eyes. Yet, I knew I had to stay strong for my mother.

~
April 26
     As soon as I was discharged from the hospital my mother and I went home to pack my bag. Neither one of us was sure on how long I was going to stay at the psychiatric hospital. But at least I knew the name:

Bluttony Psychiatric Institution: For Adolescence

     It wasn't a particularly frightening name, but just something about it gave me the chills. Probably from all the horror movies based on insane asylums. The ones where they torture the patients to get ride of their mental illnesses. My mother has assured me it is nothing like that but I still feel uneasy.
        After I finished packing my duffel bag full of sweatpants and sweatshirts, without strings of course, I looked around my room. Trying to memorize everything, hoping to not forget a single detail while I'm gone. Since more than likely I was going to change, and for the better. I grabbed my emergency back pack as well and stuffed it full of my slides, slip on vans, and books. If I didn't have books to read I don't know what I would do. Probably go insane.
        I loaded my bags into the backseat of the car and hopped into the passenger seat. My mother soon got in and started the car. She looked over at me with sad eyes, took my hand in hers and squeezed it. Quickly though she let it go and shakily put her hands back on the steering wheel. Pulling out of the driveway. I stared up at our yellow home, full of memories. Hoping that it wouldn't be long before I could return home.
          I felt sicker than I did in the hospital thanks to the curvy back roads of Rockland, West Virginia. These roads almost always lead to nowhere. But this time they were.