My F**ked Up Life

Recent Pain

Hi. I'm someone of no importance to you, but you already knew that. Anyway, this chapter will be about my 15th birthday. It took place on Oct. 6, and to anyone else it would have been a great day. For me, though, it was the third worst day of my life so far. It was my first birthday after my father's death. I got plenty of amazing gifts, that I love, but I didn't get the one thing I really wanted. To hear my dad say happy birthday. For him to make a joke about me being a teen. I'd have given anything for that. I've been through a lot in my life. Not as much as some, but enough to make anyone more than a little fucked up. I have no doubt that next year will be worse, and I don't think I'll ever be ready for it. I mean who would be? Every girl dreams of her perfect sweet sixteen and I'm never going to get that. It could never be perfect without him in it, you know? I made this book, not to complain or anything like that. I don't think I'm owed anything by the world or any self-entitled shit like that. I know that everything that has happened to me had to happen in order to shape who I'd become, but what about other people? They had to suffer too. I know that it was for the same reason, but that doesn't make me feel any less guilty, because I couldn't help them. Again, I'm not complaining about my guilt, or blaming it on anyone. I know it's just my brain trying to understand why these things happen. Trying to rationalize how the world could be so cruel. It's easy to blame it on someone, like God, the devil, or even yourself. But that doesn't make it true. I know this yet I still blame myself for my dad's death and I wasn't even in the same state. I don't want pity, I'm writing this as a sort of therapy. Anyways, these chapters probably won't be long. If you have anything to say please keep it peaceful. I don't want to cause any trouble, I'm just trying to ease my troubled mind. Bye for now.