ADRONITIS (II) : tmr minho

25: I could be Falling

"We didn't see you at dinner," she begins, looking at me. "Newt wanted to know where you went."

Even though I shucked it up, he's still worried about me. I'm so pathetic; I managed to fall for people who could never love me back, and then who have to take time from their lives to worry about me. Why must I bother them?

"Fry won't notice if I steal food for you," she begins.

I shift closer to the edge. My knees float in the air, well in front of me. Is this what freedom is like? The ability to jump is not far from me. I can choose my own destiny. I could maybe stop it if I really, truly wanted.

I don't though. I think I just want to have the power to control it all. To decide I can start and stop the world as I see fit is the freedom I need. This moment is necessary.

Jumping, however, is something I could never do.

"I'm not hungry."

I hear her sit down behind me, but I don't see her. "Have you eaten today Leo?"

I don't bother answering, since I'm not good at lying. So, the silence speaks for us. It eats at all the thoughts that I have, and all the memories that I don't.

Dawn is up next to me, her feet sliding off the roof and into the air next to mine. While my knuckles turn white from the grip that I hold the roof, she is steady and still. Almost calm in the way she waits. Nothing ever seems to bother her. Shuck, she thought she could be banished today and she's doing fine. Even the Ben thing she has been quick to recover from. I ache and my brittle bones shatter and are blown away in the cold wind.

Then, I remember that she is human, just like me. She wouldn't speak when he attacked her. She threw up when the boys mentioned banishment. Dawn is tangible, and real.

"Do you want my shirt?" She seems to shiver at the gust as well but pulls the blue fabric off her shoulders. In just a tank top, her body seems paler than ever before. Draping over my shoulders, she continues speaking. "I don't know how you manage to sit up here for so long. It's cold,"

"How did you know I was up here?" I ask her, my voice cracking at the words.

She shrugs, leaning into me. Trying to rip the heat out of me, as if I have something to give her. There is nothing in me that is warm. Maybe this is what embarrassment is.

I kissed Newt after all, and he doesn't like girls. He looked so shocked, and so disgusted. Why did I have to ruin something else?

"Michelle saw you," Dawn tells me. "She was looking for you."

I chuckle, and Dawn flinches away at the sound. "Yeah, so who did she fight this time?"

Dawn goes silent. Her cheeks are either bright red from the wind-burn, or they are upset at my suggestion. I'm not wrong. My money is on Jackson since he is such a jerk all the time. I bet he was waiting for Gally to leave to pounce. No one needs me except to cover up bad things they did. And I can't even do that properly half the time.

I don't even know how to tell her that I'm not going to jump, because five minutes ago I wasn't entirely sure. Maybe that's how I know I wouldn't do it. Leaping off a building is the kind of thing you do when you are sure its what you want; nothing more nor less.

"It's getting colder," she seems to talk to herself. Her body twitches in the stale air.

I don't mind it. Right now, I can't see much of anything. The night is so dark that I can't see much past my shoes. From here, I can't even tell we are enclosed by the Walls. It's not the claustrophobia of this situation that bothers me. I dislike the everyday politics of this existence.

"We should go inside," she tells me, though neither of us make the move to stand up.

She is waiting for me to go first. I kind of just want to be alone here. It's really freeing. Like, I still feel like klunk, but a calmer klunk.

"We can start a fire," she just stares at me for a second, as my words trail off.

I'm up on my feet, moving away from her. She takes a second to follow me. Crossing the building, I find the spot I entered. Carefully, I dangle my feet off the edge. Blood pumps through my veins; it is much scarier getting down then climbing up. My feet hit the windowsill, and I slowly pull myself inside the Homestead.

I don't wait for her. Building. In seconds I am across the room, moving further away from the roof. I grab matches on my way out the front door. Dawn's footsteps follow behind me as I move to the Bricknick shed. I pick up a few logs, stacking them in my arms haphazardly while trying to hold the matches.

Dawn tries to reach to help me, but I flinch away at her hands.

I move back across the field. The logs land in the bonfire pit with a thud, though I doubt it was loud enough for anyone to stir. I head back to the shed, where Dawn still waits. She hands me the kindling that we keep ready, and I take it from her. It too joins the pile of logs down in the bonfire pit.

I light a match and throw it on to the kindling. The flame is quick to consume the small twigs and bits of paper but take longer to eat their way up on to the logs. Soon enough, the fire cracks and roars high above us, consuming all the oxygen in the vicinity. I manage to breathe despite the lack of air. I feel the smoke filling my lungs.

Dawn is next to me, fidgeting slightly. I know I'm being weird, but I can't explain why I need this. It's too odd, too painful, too deliberate not to mention.

"You feeling better?" She asks me carefully, waiting for an answer.

I shrug. I'm not better but I'm not any worse off than I started. I just see things from a new perspective. "Are you warmer?"

She nods carefully, turning her attention to the flames.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Ooh, I love this. Leo, what a bamf. Conquering her inner doubt. Staring out into the abyss. It's quality content.

What do you think happens next?

I'll see you soon, in Dawn and Illness.