Be Rude but Love Me | ✔

CHAPTER 47

He nods, as if expecting that answer. For a moment, he only stares at me, as if he's seeing me for the first time or as if he wants to memorize my face because if I'm being honest, this might be the last time we ever see each other again. I just want him to say what he's got to say and be on his way. I don't want to see him or be near him. I don't want to hear about him or his life. I just want to forget he exists. And the longer he's here, the harder it becomes to do so.

"Let's just get this over with," I say when he still doesn't talk. "What did you have to say?"

He goes to lean against the wall and I'm grateful for the distance between us. He pulls a hairband out of his wrist and ties his hair up in a messy bun, a few strands grazing his shoulders.

"I guess you figured out my secret," he says as an introduction and I nod. "I left home when I was eighteen and I've been on the road since. I'm not gonna dive into the details, you know them."

As he talks, for the first time in my life, I see Yann unsure, not so confident. He's not looking at me, he's looking everywhere but at me. I could mistake his attitude for shyness but I know he's not acting like this out of shyness.

"Then you came along," he says with a sad smile. "You were so different, Tracy. I wanted to watch you, to be around you. I'd watch as you took pleasure in the littlest of things out there, how sometimes you would just close your eyes and smile and just be happy with that. I couldn't do that, I couldn't see the beauty in things the way you did. That's when I realized that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't living after all."

My heart does a small leap, as if it's slapping my chest, slapping me to say, you shouldn't be having this conversation in your doorway with him. Yes, this is the wrong place to have this conversation. I want to be seated on the couch with him, in his arms, the way he held me that last night together. I want his warmth to envelop me as he opens up to me, but I can't.

I can't invite him in, I can't welcome him back into my life just like that.

"That first day when we kissed," his eyes briefly meet mine as he mentions it but I remain stoic, pretending it doesn't affect me, "I went to the compound just so that I could see you. And I watched you all day long, whenever I could. You were jogging around, happy and smiling. Then when I went to James's party as well, I just wanted to be around you." He runs his hand through his hair as if he's embarrassed of the confession. "I needed to be around you, Tracy. You gave me another perspective on life and I wanted to see more, more of what the world could offer. And I realized that the first thing the world offered me in so long, in the four long years I'd been alone, was you."

"Don't go there," I warn when I realize he's stepping into very dangerous territory. I don't want to talk about what happened between us, whatever romance it was that we had.

He looks hurt at my words but nods nonetheless. He takes a deep breath in then blows it out. I see him fisting his hands repeatedly before relaxing them. When he seems to be finally calmed down, he talks again.

"After that first kiss, after I said those words to you, I realized how you began to give up on me. I was aware that I hurt you, that the words were uncalled for and I really don't know why I said them. I guess I wanted to keep being an asshole, keep pushing you, but I never really meant to hurt you, never wanted you to give up on me," he says. "And call me selfish, but I wasn't ready to let you go just yet. I wanted you to teach me more, even if you weren't aware that you were teaching me anything. But you taught me so much, Tracy."

His eyes are boring into mine, sincere. I keep looking at him, composed on the outside but inside, I'm crumbling like stale bread, fragile to his words.