Winter's Ballerina-WINTER SOLDIER FANFIC

eighteen

"And the tears come steaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace."
-Coldplay; Fix You

Canada-2015
(Vera)

"How much longer?" James asked for the sixth time. We had been in the car for almost six hours and we were both getting restless.
"I don't know. Thirty minutes?" I guessed. We didn't say anything after that for a while.
"Tatyana?" I glanced up. No one had ever called me by my middle name. I didn't particularly like it.
"I don't know why but something in the back of my mind is connecting that name with you."
"Yeah, Tatyana is my middle name." I told him. He nodded as though he knew that.
Don't get excited. You knew there would be fragments. Six hours in a car can do that.
"Your favorite color is green?" He asked testing his knowledge once again. I felt my heart skip a beat.
Calm down.
"It used to be. A long time ago. Do you remember anything else?" I asked.
"I don't know. Being around you makes me feel weird. I feel so many memories coming back at once but I don't understand them." I nodded, but I didn't really know what he was going through. I was just trying to be patient.
"I remember a hotel in Texas. I think we were on a mission."
"Texas. That was a long time ago." I murmured.
I drove up a gravel driveway and parked the car.
"We're here." I said as I climbed out of the car. I grabbed my backpack and suitcase before unlocking the house with the key Tony gave me. Inside it was already fully furnished and stocked with necessities. I threw my backpack on the maroon couch and began the process of lugging my suitcase upstairs. Upstairs there were two bedrooms. I pointed to the first one I saw.
"I'll sleep here, if that works for you." James nodded and disappeared into the other bedroom. I was left alone to begin the process of unpacking. After all my clothes were safely inside the closet, I back downstairs to check on the food situation. Tony had fully stocked the pantry and fridge for us. Unfortunately I had no idea how to cook. In London I pretty much lived off of microwavable foods and pasta. James stood by the door watching me.
"Hey." I said.
"Hey."
"I think I'm going to go ahead and go to bed, but if you want anything to eat go ahead." I told him.
He nodded and I made my way upstairs. For pajamas I wore black shorts and a white sports bra because I didn't want to wash my actual pajamas. I settled down in the huge bed that had almost too many pillows. Eventually I fell asleep.

'Vera?'
'Yes James?'
'Do we have to go back?'
'You know we do.'
James had his arm wrapped around my waist and we were sitting on the grass in open country looking up at the stars.
'We could run.'
'They would find us.'
He sat up and looked down at me. I tugged at his arm and he went back to cuddling me.
'I promise you one day we will escape.'
'I'm counting on it.'
'When we do, will you marry me?'
'I will.'
I fell on top of him and we kissed.
—
'You failed Vera. We decided that you are not worthy of being the Winter Soldier's partner. So your punishment is you get to watch as we break him.'
The only way to describe the room was cold. It felt cold and it held a menacing feeling. In the middle was a machine that they were strapping James to. They stuffed a mouth guard between his teeth
'No! Please no!' I was sobbing and James' eyes were pleading me not to do anything rash.
'Ah, don't worry! They say a broken heart will come back stronger!'
The machine switched on and James' screams were enough to make my heart shatter.
'I'm sorry!'
'I'm so sorry!'

"No! Please, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
"Vera! Wake up!"
My eyes shot open and I saw the darkness. With the light from the moon I could see his metal arm.
"I'm sorry did I wake you up?"
"Yeah, but it's okay." He shrugged.
We were quiet for a minute. I stood up and walked to the window.
"What were you dreaming about?"
"I... you... we." I stammered not really sure how much I should tell him. Suddenly I had never felt more alone. For the last year I had been dealing with the nightmares and the memories on my own, but here he was, right in front of me and I had never felt more alone. I felt hot tears rolling down my cheeks as I thought about the dream and how much I missed someone I may never get back. Then I felt his arms wrap around my waist. I felt safe for the first time in a long while. We stayed just like that for a while.
"It wasn't a dream. It was a memory." I confessed.
"I don't know if you remember or not yet, but a long time ago you promised to get us out of Hydra. You... we were going to get married. But after that... they wiped your memory. It was my fault. They did it because I refused to kill someone. I failed." I was sobbing quietly now. He turned me around and held me close. My face was buried in his chest. It felt safe and familiar but not quite right.
"I don't remember that. I don't even really know why I'm doing this. It's like something inside me just wants to be as close to you as possible, but I don't even really remember you."
"I know. It's okay." I murmured pulling back and standing to look out the window.
"But it's not. I remembered your middle name. Why can't I remember more?" He was frustrated with himself I could tell.
My brain must've not been thinking properly because next I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him. It was like every fiber of my being had to be closer to him. Like I would die if I wasn't near him.
"Vera?"
"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."
He raised my chin up and I looked into his blue eyes. What I saw looked so familiar. Then he kissed me.
"It wasn't your fault." He whispered.
"What? You...?" I trailed off not really daring to ask. I had heard that certain actions that mean a lot to people who are suffering from amnesia can help them remember. Like Steve had said a certain phrase to James back on the helicarrier that sparked a memory, but we didn't have a phrase or anything.
"I remember you. I remember us." I hugged his neck and he picked me up.
"I missed you so much." I cried.
"I love you, Vera Romanov." He whispered
For the first time in over a decade I fell asleep with his arms wrapped around me.

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"And I will try to fix you."
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