Blue ✔ | Pentagon Hui X CLC Sorn

xxiv

Hwitaek
2:20 AM

She's too humble about being a decent singer because she actually sings like an angel. And I mean—an angel. Our voices were match made in heaven. I smiled at her as we sing. The lyrics are sad, but I don't feel sad at all. Actually, I feel so much better despite everything that has happened tonight. Sorn might just be accomplishing her goal to turn the worst night of my life into the best one.

After the song, we just looked at each other for a while and I swore we were having a moment right there, but then she clears her throat again. I realized she does so often when she feels awkward or nervous. "Hwitaek-ssi," she began speaking on the microphone. "I just want to say that I think you're a good person. I've never been to heaven but I think that must be how angels sound like when you sing. Thank you for saving my life. I still can't believe you did that. I don't think anyone in my current life that I've known longer than I've known you would die in my stead. You're really amazing, and I'm not saying this because I just want to make you feel better, I'm saying these because I believe them. I really hope that you can sing again someday with that beautiful voice of yours and I hope that while you wait for that day, you find another purpose in life because now, I realized that life is full of chances. You know, maybe the reason I don't want to kill myself is maybe because deep down, I still believe that every morning I wake up is another chance life is giving me. So, if we have new chances every day, I hope you grab them and even if each chance doesn't work out as soon as you hoped it would, I hope you don't give up."

She gave me the most precious smile I've ever seen in my entire life after her long speech. The lights of noraebang flickered in different colors on her face.

I extended my hand towards hers. She looked down on it hesitantly before sliding her hand in mine. I gave it a short squeeze and I looked into her eyes closely and new tunes seemed to be humming inside my head. I want to write a song about her. I definitely would.

"You, too. Promise me, you won't give up." I said.

She chuckled and folded my other fingers, leaving the pinky finger. She hooked mine with hers. "There you go. I take pinky promises very seriously."

"Really?" I asked and I didn't realize we've inched closer in the couch.

"Really. If you break it, I'll break your finger."

I laughed. "There's the Sorn I first met."

She grinned and let go of my hand. Slowly, her smile fades away. "Today hasn't been easy for me, too. I got fired from my part time job that keeps me and my family alive. I worked so hard though, but I guess it wasn't enough. Because of working, I'm stupid enough to neglect my studies. I thought everything would be fine as long as I earn money. My younger siblings have so many needs in school. I also have to make sure they eat three meals a day even if I could only have a cup of ramyeon for me at night. It was fine. I've gotten used to it. I was doing well enough in college—but I got really bad results this time."

She laid her head back on the couch and stared at the ceiling. "I know it sounds stupid that I wanted to die because of this but—when I saw my results, it took a toll on me. Everything is like a domino. I felt like crap from getting fired, felt even crappier for failing exams, and then everything else that's not right in my life attacked me." She took a deep breath, tear rolling down her cheek. "I began to ask myself, is this worth it? Before all these responsibilities on my shoulders, what was my dream again? I couldn't remember and I wasn't sure if I ever had one."

"Where are your parents?" I asked.

"Dad passed away when we were still little kids from heavy, physical labor. He worked at a construction site." She smiled faintly. "I remember life was better when he was around even though he always looked tired, he managed to smile in front of us. Now that I've grown up, I can't help but think if this is how he must have felt like. Was he too tired that he wanted to die too? Had he been in so much pain too behind that kind smile? Did he want to give up too? I ask myself these questions very often at night."

She raised her head up and stared at the screen where we got 95% of score. "My mom passed away too—two years ago. Lung cancer. She left this letter to all of us. She only saved money for my siblings' school fees and my college funds. I have been in scholarship, so I was fine. My mom really wanted me to get a degree. She said it's hard to live in this life without one. It's her dream for me." Her voice trembled as she took a deep breath. "But I'm sure my scholarship will stop. And it's all my fault. I'm going to come home and I'm going to have to explain it to all of them. Thinking how disappointed they would be at me makes me want to skip tomorrow, and the day after that—for the rest of my life."

I grabbed her hand and held it tight. I don't ever want to let it go. "Sorn, even heroes can't do everything. I hope you know that even if you can't do everything, it's important that you're doing something." 

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