About Junior. A beautiful chaos.

Time machine

Argh! Screw this phone that wakes me up so early in the morning! - is my first thought this morning. One more day and I will see him. If I think twice, maybe it wasn't the phone that got me pissed... Or maybe it was? And how about all these weeks? When did they pass? Ah, how I wish I could turn back time, at the moment everything went wrong. Or maybe I don't? Slowly and with a lot of effort I pull myself from under the blanket, stretch my arms and drag my body to the kitchen. The smell of herbal tea with honey and lemon only intensifies my feelings, it sharpens them and it makes me remember. And I do not want to remember. I take the mug in my hand and look into it. In the surface of the tea I can see my reflection, but my face is blurry, incomplete... A thought comes to my head: I will see him tomorrow. I cannot take it anymore... I see the first tear drop slowly falling into the tea erasing my reflection. At the very same moment I start dwelling into the depths of the past.

Is it true that time heals everything? Probably, but only if you can follow and never be a single step behind... What about me? What am I doing? I am looking into the future but living in the past? What is time? Do I even exist? I am looking for the answers of all these questions, I torture myself and I don't find them. I did not find them yesterday, I am not finding them today and I won't find them tomorrow. I fall asleep... I try to find the answers in the dream, where there is no today, no yesterday and even less a tomorrow... But then new questions appear. What was I yesterday with him? What am I today without him? Is there a tomorrow if it is like this? I keep looking for him, I want to be with him. I turn all around but I cannot find him. All I can see is a faded picture of what is left of him. He does not exist. But I love him. How can one love someone who does not exist? That is why I go back in the past, where he does exist, where I am happy. I go in the past, I feel the pain of the present only to not think about the future. I am so confused that I start roaming through this endless time machine, running chaotically through this maze without an exit. I lost myself in time. And with that I cease to exist. In the past I am useless, in the present I am an empty shell and there is nothing left of me in the future. And again the same question: Do I even exist?

Can one get lost through time? Is it possible that he stops existing and yet I see him? Is it possible that the very same hurts the ones he once loved? Is it possible that he so mercilessly sucks out all vital energy and love to just throw them away as a useless piece of garbage? That, I call emotional exploitation. But how can he do that when he does not even exist? At least not today. Or maybe... Maybe it is me creating what he was yesterday to only have him today? That, I call hope. Well then, it is me the one causing all the pain, it is me putting a knife in my heart. Simply: I am the only one guilty in this story. And then I decide... It is not worth it. He does not exist. I will find my energy and I will be happy. I will stop hurting myself and I will get out of this chaos. But when? Yesterday? Today? Tomorrow? Help.

With all my love,
Blas.