i could barely sit still in my seventh hour class thinking about how tonight will turn out.
earlier at lunch alex, dylan, and i were sitting at our spot in the library when dylan had to leave early for art. alex hadn't always sat with us, before it was just dylan and me, but he found his way in seeing that he was new and also didn't enjoy sitting in the cafeteria. it didn't help that i had an infatuation with him, honestly it made things hard, but i managed most of the time.
anyway, it was just the two of us, alex and i, and i remember my heart beating out of my chest as we eyed each other in complete silence. speaking truthfully, i wanted him.
although i had such strong feelings for him being alone with him was a struggle. i was panicking on the inside because we were alone, crossing my fingers under the table hoping that dylan would come back and save me from this nightmare, but she didn't. it's like my body could sense the fact that he was going to ask me to study tonight at his house.
at the time i was taken back and confused that he didn't ask both dylan and i, but now that it's two hours later i'm slowly realizing that he just wants me to be there. no dylan, and maybe even no studying. there's no clue what this boy had in mind. i was in shock, and sort of in love.
the butterflies in my stomach lasted for hours. i found myself smiling while in the shower, doing my makeup, getting dressed, and on the way over to his house. i couldn't stop. thinking about him made me feel good.
on the walk there i had the urge to text dylan and tell her about how nervous i am, but i know i can't. dylan had been distant now that alex came around. she doesn't come over anymore, we rarely text, and when we do she gets weird when i bring up boys, preferably alex, so i've learned to be quiet about a few things when conversing with her. i thought her and i were going to be closer than this and i feel like she's pushing me away all of a sudden. i wanted to say something but i didn't know how. even though it made me sad i had no time to think about it seeing as if i'm on my way to a boys house with no idea of what will happen.
my legs were shaking when i neared his front door. there were no cars out front so i was guessing that his parents weren't home and that made me even more anxious. i slowly knocked on his front door, my stomach was churning and not in a good way. i was going to throw up.
the door soon creaked open and out peeked a nicely dressed alex with a smile plastered on his handsome features. i smile back. "hey! come on in."
his house had a very clean smell. i could only infer that his mother took care of his house very well and constantly cleaned up after everyone; everyone being alex and his dad. i wasn't used to being in such a nice house, let alone neighborhood, and for some reason i didn't expect it to be so tidy on the inside.
"your house is amazing." i say in awe, trying to break the awkward tension, but it didn't really help.
"eh, it could be better, but thank you." we were both now sat on his couch, a little too far apart for my comfort. "my parents are out of town this weekend for their anniversary so i have the place to myself. i thought i should have a little fun."
i widen my eyes. "so you invite me over?" i find myself throwing my head back and laughing. "i think it's a fact that i'm the least fun person in our whole entire grade."
"you forget dylan's in our grade."
i wanted to snap on him, but i couldn't. he didn't know the real her. "she's actually really cool."
"you could've fooled me." he laughs as if insulting one of my only friends is okay. i was getting angrier as seconds passed but i held it back.
i laugh too but it's obvious i was forcing it. "so, where should we start with the studying?"
"wait, do you actually want to?" he gives me a funny look as if i was crazy for bringing up studying even though that's what he invited me here to do in the first place. "i thought we could just chill and watch a movie, if that's cool with you."
"it sounds perfect." i lie through my teeth. i didn't want to. i wanted to leave, or actually study like i came here to do, but i couldn't tell him. i watch him get up from his spot on the couch, dimming the lights and grabbing the remote off of the tv stand, then coming to sit close to me on the couch. i soon forgot about the douchey remarks he made earlier and found my stomach with butterflies in them again.
we picked a shitty comedy movie that neither of us were really paying attention to and about a half an hour into me staring at the walls covered in family pictures, feeling his eyes on me, he made his move, but it wasn't what i expected it to be. his large cold hand made contact with my thigh and he continued inching it up to somewhere i never imagined anyone touching. i wasn't looking at him directly but i could feel a smirk on his face as he stared me down. it felt dirty.
"you're so beautiful." he whispered and soon enough made his way into my leggings. my legs twitched. i didn't know how to tell him to stop. i felt as if i lost my voice for a moment, but i finally find it once i felt his fingers brush against my core that was only covered with underwear.
"i'm sorry," i jerk my body away from his and move his hands out of my pants. "i'm not comfortable doing that, at least not right now."
"you're joking right?" his voice is stern. he gets off the couch and grabs the remote to pause the movie. he didn't have to get up to grab the remote, i could only infer he got up to get away from me.
"no?" i question.
"why would i bring you here to study?" he laughs. "or even to just 'watch a movie'?"
"because we're friends?" i mumble, feeling powerless.
"obviously you want to be more than friends." he scoffs.
he was uglier than ever to me right now. i was disgusted with myself for ever feeling anything towards him, for wasting my time on him, and not spending valuable time with dylan. "that doesn't mean i want to be friends with benefits."
"well, i don't want to be your boyfriend."
i get up off the couch and grab my book bag, making my way towards the door, i couldn't help but to continue to drag this on though. i was confused and hurt. "and that's such a horrible idea to you, why? you've always seemed interested in me."
"you look like you're going to die. it's hideous." is what made my heart break. it was hard to look him in the eyes now. "you've never been more than a piece of ass that i could eventually get in my eyes. i don't see how anyone could be in a relationship with someone stupid enough to starve themself to death."
i turn around to the door feeling speechless, and slip out of it despite the fact that he was still talking to me. i was done listening because what he had already said was enough to drive me insane.
i came here with hope in my eyes, a bubbly attitude, and butterflies in my stomach. leaving wasn't as easy though. my legs were weak, my eyes were teary, and my chest was tightening, i felt as if there were concrete drying inside of me. it was hard to breathe, but also hard to gasp for air.
i sit on the curb and pull out my phone, drying my tear stained cheeks. i dialed dylans phone number that was surprisingly memorized and waited on the other side of the phone, not surprised when seven rings had passed and she still hadn't answered.
"i'm not available right now. don't leave a message after the beep."
her voice was soft and sweet. i close my eyes shut and somehow manage a genuine smile with her voice replaying in my head, although it was just her voicemail. it beeped, and i found the courage to speak. "call me back when you get this."
she never did.
EDIT: just so u guys know this is a flashback in billies pov to show what happened with her and that boy that was mentioned in the chapter where she was talking with her therapist. she is still in the hospital. if anything the next few chapters will be flashbacks
im so fucking sad lowkey dont wanna be alive anymore. i am. hurtingZ so much. and im sorru if this is shitty i didnt really look over it and rushed it bc im
tired of taking months to update
