DreamCity

Part 14

"What difference did it make that I left?  You probably found someone else to take my place."

"How can you say that?"

"How can you love me when you didn't know my life outside of my time spent with you?"

I couldn't make him understand.  I kept talking to him but my words just weren't hitting their mark.  When I fall in love, I want it to be hard, unstoppable, and unshakable.  I want my partner to know without a doubt that together our love is unbeatable.  I don't want my love to be used as an accessory to spice up an otherwise dull life.  More importantly, I don't want to be loved based upon what he perceives me to be.  I want him to love me because he knows me, the good and the bad.  And he's still not afraid.

There's this song called When A Man Loves A Woman.  I forget who sings it (I know it's not the Isleys) but there's one line that goes something like "seeing your unborn children in her eyes."  I want that type of certainty from my man.  That whole romantic I-would-die-for-you type of love.  Funny thing is, some days I'm not even sure if that type of love still exists or if it went the way of the 8-track.

Trent asked if he could come out to L.A. to spend next weekend with me and I told him no.

He pulled out a little black box and put it on the table.  He slid it towards me.  I was speechless.  I slid it back towards him and told him it was too late.  It was probably a bracelet, 'cause the box was long.  I grabbed my purse and left.  Who does he think he is?  He kept me dangling for how many years?  And now that I've moved on with my life, he wants to just pop back in out of the blue and complicate things?

Everything is just so different and it's like I can't control anything in my life.  If Trent would have told me he had left Yvette two years ago, I would have been ecstatic, but now it's too late.  When I needed him, he wasn't there.  Now that I've discovered I can live without him...

Once I got into NJ, I called Anita and made her pick me up at the train station.  For once, she didn't ask fifty million questions.  I told her she was a horrible sister for not warning me that Trent was going to just show up and I'd appreciate it if she kept her big nose out of my business. 

I think she could tell I was feeling prone to violence, so she just apologized and left it at that.

 

July 13

It's good to be back.  Mommy called and told me that Dad was doing a lot better and he would be going home soon.  My audition went well, so I think I'll get a callback.  I'm hoping I'll get a callback.  The part is for a spurned lover who is in a witness protection program with the object of her affection.  I called Simon and invited him to lunch.  Surprisingly, he said he was free this Friday.  Somebody had canceled or something.  We're going to meet at Kate Mantilini's in Beverly Hills, because it's really close to his office. 

Q and I hung out for a little while this evening.  He invited me up to his place and he made dinner.  He has real furniture...it all matches.  He's such a grown up.  I feel like this college kid with all of my thrift store finds and my futon.  Anyway, he's a good cook.  He pulled out his grill and made chicken shish kebabs and a spinach salad.

He was also nice enough to watch Maddie for me while I was gone.  She was happy (in her own feline way) to see me.  Q said she hadn't been a problem.  She stayed hidden for the first few days.

I went by Cynda's place earlier and knocked, but she wasn't home.  Q said everything had been pretty quiet lately.  No sign of Rick or anything.

 

July 14

I got a callback for the sitcom!  My agent said they liked me and I had a producer's session this afternoon.  I'm so nervous.  I mean, granted, if I get the part, it's only a few lines...but it's on national television.  Who knows what can happen because of it.   I called my hairdresser to see if he could squeeze me in.  This could be the break that changes my life.

 

July 15

It's nail-biting time.  I think my callback went pretty well.  So now I'm sitting by the phone, trying to will it to ring.  My agent said we probably won't hear anything until late this evening or tomorrow.  Tomorrow I have lunch with Simon.  Aside from the obvious reasons why I'm looking forward to it, he intrigues me.  I mean, I want to get inside of his head.  I don't know, maybe I'm hoping his aura of success will rub off on me or something.  Or maybe a good stock tip.

Kandi called me.  She's been auditioning like crazy.  She invited me to a birthday party on Saturday.  Should be fun.  It's at a house in the Hollywood Hills.  Yippee.

 

July 16

I'm not sure what to think or what to feel right now.  I haven't even cried yet.  It's like the tears are just sitting in the pit of my stomach forming a hard ball of hopelessness.

 

July 17

derek died.  someone shot him six times.  he had a gunshot wound in his head.  even as i write this, it doesn't seem real.  i can't believe that i'm never going to speak to him or see him or hear him say "you are unreal!" 

i haven't really cried yet.  going through this made me realize how alone i actually am. why did they have to kill him?  i keep playing an image of him picking up some papers and someone shooting him.  they shot him in the head and in the back. he died on the scene in an alley. that's so undignified....what kind of monster would shoot a man in the back? the police don't know why.  there was a picture of him on the front page of the newspaper.  and it was him but it wasn't him.  i ripped it up into a million pieces.  as if somehow that would bring him back.  just the act of destroying something brought me a little comfort.

i'm so used to crying over the stupidest things, usually my love life or lack of a career, that my tears are all dried up when i need them.  i still can't believe he's gone.  i never told him i loved him.  he knew, i hope.   derek was supposed to come to my premiere, when i finally got a starring role in something.  i really wanted him to be there and because of something stupid, something that couldn't possibly be worth such a hefty price, i'm never going to see him again. 

maybe i don't deserve to feel sad  i didn't know derek as well as others, i didn't see him as often as i should or call him enough because i was too lazy or too busy or just too whatever and now what?  it's almost 2 in the morning, he's dead and there's nothing i can do except whine and wonder how it all relates to me and my problems.  why am i so selfish?  why is it so much easier to cry for me than for someone else?  i feel just like maddie when she chases her tail, i'm running around in circles, chasing something that will only hurt if i actually catch it.  story of my life.  the end.  i guess i'm hurting also because i am searching for something or chasing something that's so elusive and i want it so bad and i really don't think i'm going to get it.  i wanted so much for trent, collin, somebody, i wanted...i wanted them to want me too.  so i went through all these changes so i could be someone they would like.  it's like i could have written the story myself, girl likes guy, girl sleeps with guy, and guy leaves.  but i thought this time it would be different just like everyone else thinks this time it will be different.  and it wasn't.  and it isn't.  i'm back at square one wondering when am i just going to stop trying?  how many times, how many more times do i have to learn and realize that i must have pissed venus off, love is not in the cards for me.  it's not.  the sooner i realize that the sooner i will stop driving myself crazy.  usually i could call derek and he would bring a smile to my face with his incessant teasing and i would get off the phone believing love was right around the corner.  and now he's gone and i can't help but believe that my chance to find love is gone too.  how can he be gone when I still need him?