Matt & Topher

An Adjustable Learning Curve

This was ridiculous. He and Toph had been roommates for years. They'd seen other in various states of almost naked during that time, and yeah, Matt had let his looks linger a little — especially since last spring — though neither of them had ever been particularly body shy. Even when Matt had been four different shades of bruised along his torso from football he hadn't hesitated this much.

It was context, wasn't it? The space between them had been defined by assumed heterosexual boundaries. There hadn't been a reason for Matt to be nervous because they hadn't cared for each other in that capacity.

Now? Now, Matt wasn't so sure of his footing. That was the only plausible reason for why his fingers shook so badly he couldn't get his belt undone.

Another pair of hands entered his periphery. He inhaled sharply — or tried to. It felt kind of like trying to breathe through a straw.

"May I touch you?" Toph asked quietly.

Matt nodded, not trusting his voice.

All Toph did was curl his pianist hands around Matt's and squeeze. He inhaled again, and the steel band around his chest loosened. Blinking, he looked at Toph's face.

"Better?" Toph murmured, thumb rubbing over Matt's knuckles.

He nodded again.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Yeah." Jesus, was that raspy sound his voice? No wonder Toph looked at him like he was half a second from bursting at the seams.

Toph, Matt noted in the part of his brain that didn't feel like it was underwater, had changed into sweats and a plain gray v-neck. Despite his current best efforts and that he'd dressed himself since he was a toddler, Matt couldn't get his pants off.

"Here. Come on."

Matt let Toph pull him over to the bed. He didn't so much as make the conscious decision to sit as his legs gave out, dropping him onto the mattress with a thump.

"Wanna cuddle," he croaked, beating back the tide in his own mind bit by bit. He inhaled sharply again.

"Sure."

It took some poking and prodding — one of the pillows made a bid for freedom off the bed — but Matt was flat on his back with his legs over Toph's as Toph curled on his side. He was pressed in close, a line of solid warmth all down Matt's right.

Matt took in another breath like he was coming up for air, the water receding yet again. Toph's left hand, his arm stretched above them, played with his hair.

"Pretty sure you just had a panic attack, love."

"Yeah." He didn't sound better — more like he'd gargled gravel — but he was calmer. He turned his head and found himself nose to nose with Toph. The smile at the edge of his mouth was reflexive. "Hi."

"Hello." Toph's fingers never stopped moving in his hair. "Is it the idea of sex?" His tone softened the edges of the otherwise blunt words.

He shook his head. "No. It's...I — I want the sex." He did, too. He wanted to know what Toph looked like when he came undone. He wanted to strip him slowly and kiss every patch of skin and remind Toph how much he was loved. How much Matt loved him.

"I don't know what you're thinking about but your pupils just blew out." Toph rubbed his nose against Matt's.

Matt shrugged. "Just wondered what you look like when you come." No reason not to be truthful.

His chest hitched. "Jesus. Okay." He rested his right hand over Matt's heart. "So it's not the idea of sex."

"Right." Matt worried his bottom lip between his teeth. "It's...I think I'm not sure about...boundaries isn't the right word. I know what's between us. I know our shared history. Our friendship. I'm not sure how this different intimacy is going to fit into that." He met Toph's stare. "You deserve an amazing boyfriend, and I'm going to do my damndest to be that amazing boyfriend for you, in addition to still being your best friend."