Be Rude but Love Me | ✔

CHAPTER 12

I don't miss the secrecy. "Is that matter related to the mystery that no one wants to tell me about?"

Will sends an apologetic smile my way and I know he won't say much just like Ellie. "It's not much of a mystery. It's just Yann's personal business and we don't talk about it."

Knowing I won't get answers there, I continue, "How did things get less chaotic?"

Quietness follows my question and I want to believe Will is thinking of the answer. Then Will responds with the very words I was dreading to hear.

"I learned to understand him." He breathes. "Deep inside, he isn't a bad person, but sometimes, life has a way of scarring the best people. It's sick."

I think of Will's words. Life has a way of scarring the best people. It is true. I think of Ollie and his big heart, his boundless love, his ever-present concern. That's a side most of the people he meets will probably never know of him because he keeps it safely locked. Or rather, it's safely – and selfishly – buried deep under those scars that life gave him and there is no digging it without reopening the wounds. And no one wants to reopen the wound when it's already healed.

Yann is no exception.

"So am I the least understanding person of us for not being able to see all of that yet?"

I ask the question mostly to continue the conversation but not because I really believe the words I ask. I know I'm not the least understanding person of us. On the opposite, I am beginning to understand him better. I wonder if under that rude façade hides a boy with a golden heart and unconditional love.

"No," Will says, "I think we all went through your phase."

I frown at the choice of words. "Phase? You make him sound like a disease."

"Why do you pick on the worst things people say to describe him? Why didn't you pick on the part just now when I said he wasn't so bad after all?" Will asks but there is no annoyance, no reprimand in his voice. Just genuine curiosity.

"There's a part of me that's beginning to see what Ellie and you see. But I guess there's also that side of me that's a little skeptical." I explain. "Guess that's where it came from."

Will's words ring in my head, and questions are soaring around and I am unable to grab any to try and make sense of them. I am unfocused, distracted. My head starts to throb with a merciless headache and the deep breaths do nothing to help.

"I need to walk."

My abrupt announcement seems to startle Will because when I turn my head to him, he is staring at me with his eyebrows raised and his lips slightly opened in surprise. As abruptly as I have said those words, I stand up and start walking. Stuffing my hands into my shorts, I walk on the shore. Head hung low, eyes unfocused, I loiter around, back and forth.

I'm not thinking. Now that I am calling to my thoughts, they seem to have vanished. It drives me almost crazy to try to think and not be able to, crazy to think of thoughts that don't want to come. I keep walking around listlessly. My calves and soles are aching from the uneven ground and my legs are aching from carrying me so long.

As I turn around to go backtrack, I collide against an obstacle right before me that I haven't seen. Two arms snake around my waist to steady me before I can make a move to steady my own self.

"You should stop thinking," comes Will's voice as he lets me go once I've found my balance.

"Why did the last time we came here Ellie and you were ignoring me at first?" I stare out at the water as I ask the question, not looking at him.